Sunday, August 16, 2009

It`s been a while!

So, yah yah, I know.....I`m a bad blogger. I`ve been busy juggling a life between here and the city where Bracey is. I have been spending every second I can

Monday, August 3, 2009

My Hero, My fighter

In lots of pain, with lots of fear
They said "Let`s meet your girl"
They took you out, you screamed for me
From then you were my world

From the beginning of all the complications
I always fought for you
They told me that I should give up hope
There was nothing they could do

And even though they told me
I should give up or I would die
I knew it wasn`t time for us
With time you would survive

So I waited and waited against all odds,
More and more my belly got tighter
10 weeks after my water broke
it was time to meet my fighter

So, in lots of pain, with lots of fear
They said "Let`s meet your girl"
They took you out, you screamed for me
From then you were my world

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A hate life sort of day :( I miss it all!

I miss Bracey, I miss being pregnant. I feel robbed of the last 10 weeks. In fact the whole pregnancy. I feel like I was a 12 year old pregnant girl in the 50`s haha...sent away until delivery so it was like it never happened. I`m so dramatic eh? I know this sounds stupid, but I was alone half of my pregnancy..in a stupid room all by myself, no one to talk to, no one to fawn over me or to feel the baby kick...no one to kiss my belly or talk to her. No one to give me the special treatment..bring me foods i craved or something off my menu.. Lord, I barely had someone who would bring me shampoo or soap Razz. I just never had most of that during a pregnancy, and now i never will. Hell, I would have killed for someone even to rub my swollen feet once. Someone to talk to face to face, or even on the phone about my fears, or names, or who bracey would have looked like or been like. Someone to ponder her future with. I feel robbed of all of that.

Heck, no one even visited us in the hospital really. I texted their father at 7 that they were doing a section in 10 minutes and bracey would be born...he went to the airport and picked up his new girlfriend. He called at 9 and then showed up and he has visited 4 times since and he lives in the city, and is on paternity leave. My sister, father came the day she was born..My mother and daughter came too to meet Bracey. So other than that, I was alone in the hospital then too. No balloons, no it`s a girl presents....no friends fawning over my newborn...just doctors running tests on her.


Bah, I`m sad...I`m going to blame the stupid rain this morning. I can`t wait to have my girl home. I think everything I have been through would be forgotten a lot easier if she were with me all of the time. I just want her to be in the safe zone. I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for her to breathe on her own again...Like tonight, I call and find out that her oxygen needs went up again. It`s so upsetting to think she is getting worse rather then better, and further away from coming home :(

I miss Caidence a lot. I cry when I leave here for most of the drive to the city, and then cry coming back because it breaks my heart to leave either kid for days.

I miss my friends, I can`t even remember the last time I sat down and had a normal conversation with any of them really. I got a few visitors from friends who lived in the city, but really only one came and visited from home other than family.

I miss money...what is it like again when you aren`t trying to figure out how little you can get away with paying on what, or to not have to borrow money?

I miss sanity, and decent luck. I just want a month when no one dies or almost dies

I miss relaxing. When I try and take an hour to relax at home, it feels like a forced sit there and do nothing because I have to sort of thing

I miss when Bracey wasn`t on oxygen, I hate that she is getting worse.

I miss my memory, didn`t I already say that one above?

I miss my hair even..which reminds me I forgot to get it fixed.

I miss even that damn hospital bed...lord it was comfy

I miss my pregnant belly, my ultrasounds, watching her kick, listening to her heart beat a bunch of times a day. I miss the ice chips from the 7th floor...the nicu kitchens ice isn `t the same.

I miss my hands being soft and not as dry as paper near a heat vent from all of the handwashing and hand sanitizer.

I miss not having to pump all of the fricken time.

I miss smoking even.

I miss venting to real people and not only the internet :P

I miss feeling like everything is going to be okay, because I don`t think it will.

I miss hope

I miss sleep, food and my dogs put down this year

I miss feeling in control

I miss feeling pretty with my pregnant belly. I know I get bigger than most of the other singleton pregnancies, but I loved it...it was one of the only parts i truely loved.

I miss living out of a room and not a bag.

I miss havign muscles

I miss having a life that there wasn`t much to miss

I miss the thought of ever having another child.

I miss breastfeeding instead of pumping. This is like a never ending battle to get my milk supply up.

I miss being a full time mom most of all.

I miss it all. Everything. Is it so wrong of me to want it all back? I just want one night where everything is normal. I just want 24 hours to myself. I know its selfish but I do. No one else. I just want to sit there and cry for 24 hours straight..get it all out...shout scream curse just anything to make me feel okay again for 2 minutes. I don`t want to always have to be so strong and handle this all...Why do I have to? Everyone keeps saying, you are so strong, I don`t know how you do it...We`ll I`m sick of being strong, and I don`t want to do it...

Ug, I just wish I could cry for 5 minutes. That`s all I would need. But when you have all of this backed up in there, its like your bladder for an ultrasound. You get it so full that you are ready to burst. You want to pee, just a little, but you know if you were to try to pee, just a little...enough to make the pain managable, but enough to still do the ultrasound ...that you would burst and drown the world :P

Oh, and I miss my brain too. God low blood pressure and low hemoglobin make Cindy a dumb girl.


Here is my little miss


Her last two days...not including today

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She is gaining weight pretty fast ...got her picc line out today and her fats taken away a few days ago so she has been gaining from my milk...which calories are being added to but she is up to 3lbs 6 ounces now. near two ounces a night for the last few. On just my fortified milk. She hasn`t had an apnea or a brady since the 8th. She has been off caffiene since the 16th. She also isn`t desating in 31% oxygen in her incubator. When I go back we get to start the breast feeding. The rule is 34 weeks but they feel she may be able to early, and if she doesn`t then no harm in familiarizing her with the girls that will hopefully fatten her right up. Her only issues I could tell is she is Tachypnic and needs to be in the oxygen.

Something weird though, and I`m bringing this up when I get back there. See where it says issues? It says bpd. She doesn`t have that. I don`t know why they are writing that. They never checked her for it and if she had something that severe, then wouldn`t they have told me? shouldn`t they have? Also her renal ultrasound came back abnormal...but a common finding in preemies..never talked to me about that either.I`m pretty peeved that it says she has bpd and that I have never had a doctor sit down and talk to me about it or explain it to me...and i spend at least 15 hours a day there when I`m there....not hard to find me.

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A video of her sucking her thumb. She got it herself too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFHaIr4h7Z8


Her stretching
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8H2so_wxfY


On another note. There is this one baby right across from me. Just got transferred over out of intensive care. This baby was born at 28w5 days. Mother suffered from chronic abruption too, not as severe as mine I was told (we shared stories, obv the nurses would never tell me about this) He is 11 weeks old and weighs the same as Bracey still. He was born smaller and her water broke at 25 weeks where mine broke at 19. They both are at the same developmentally and have the same issues, she just is better off. They are the same size now too. He weighed a lot less when he was born though less than 900 grams.. He really makes me feel lucky!


cuddles
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weight chart
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okay stop! You win...just no more tubes in one nostril!
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That is the best of the update you are getting.

On another note..I finally started getting around to doing something with all of those ultrasound pics I have.

Now I should get back to pumping dammit.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Everything that has been or will be purchased off the registry

From Ebitrude

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This shirt opens so she can wear it when she will fit into it. The opens so it doesn`t mess with her I.V.s It`s 3-5lbs and it would still be too big! Wowsa! Really makes you think eh?
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And this blanket is much softer than it looks even!
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My breasts thank you!
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As do my shirts!
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From Mandee!!!
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Thank you soooo much Mandee! Sooo Cute! That little preemie dress is to die for! The little underwear I am such a sucker for!



From Panacea!!

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Look how cute that little bear is! She also is very much so a fan of soothers. She pretty much freaks out when she doesn`t have one! Thank you so much! We appreciate it so much.


From Shay620

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Thank you so much! These teething feeders everyone should get! Its so great for freezing fruit and throwing them in on a hot day AND for obviously teething. Also these soothers are the same ones they have in the nicu so she will surely love them when she comes home. Now that I have so many soothers, the cleaner will be so great. Preemies get sick so easy so sterilization is so important.


From Ladybearne2
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These blankets are gorgeous and so soft! Bracey is going to love it. She really will be a bundle of joy when I bundle her up in this!!! I appreciate this so much. We have cold cold winters so she`ll always need to be bundled! And now she can do it in style always!

From Gabrielle!!!

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The hydrogel pads....seriously thank you. These things are a god send. I can`t wait to carry Bracey around in the snuggli! Thank you so much. And all of these gorgeous facecloths! I almost don`t want to ever use them. They look so pretty all bundled up like that! And a mom who uses soothers, can NEVER have too many!

From Lisa ( Mommytoabplusone)
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I love the little pink one! It is so much softer than you could have imagined! The circle one is gorgeous and is going to go perfect with how I plan on doing her room (when I get time to do it!!!!!!) Thank you so much as well!

From Beth
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Caidence kept trying to steal the first hat! I had to hide it! And those little booties made for a preemie won`t fit my big footed monkey soon! I`ll have to wash those up and get them on her stat! Thank you soo much.




I am sooo lucky to have so many thank yous to say here! I wish I had more time to make it more personal, but when Bracey gets home from the hospital and I have a moment to breath, we will be sending you all a something little and personal from her, Caid and I.

I also really want to thank Rhonda! She gave me so much also. If I took the time to take a picture of every cute thing she gave me, I would be here for weeks! Also for giving out her mailing address to recieve things, and also taking the time to actually come and meet me and bring them. This woman is amazing, beautiful and strong! What a year for you too with everything. I`m so glad you have got to meet my little Bracester! Thank you so much for inviting me to your ultrasound. I wish so badly I could go. I would probably bawl my face off though. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with you yesterday! I was so upset. Literally 6 people came to visit (including you) in 1 hour! Also, I can`t believe your strength not only because you have gone through a lot and still are during your pregnancy, but because you didn`t open that parcel that you received on YOUR birthday. You are also probably the cutest pregnant momma EVER!


Also Slayergirl who put this all together!


I want to mention Debs too who was so kind and sent money ! It got us through a tough week in the NICU. With out it, I wouldn`t have been able to go visit Bracey this week and lord knows this week was my favorite week yet! We spent so much time together doing skin to skin. Def our bonding week. This is her first week not under any lights and I was able to take her out of the incubator as much as I wanted! (which was every waking hour other than pumping!!!!) I literally would not have been able to put gas into my car to get there this week if it hadn`t been for you.


Now how lucky am I to be able to just sit there with my little miracle doing nothing but holding her, talking to her and telling her how much I love her. Looking into her gorgeous little eyes and watching her gas smiles! Keeping eachothers skin warm! There is no better feeling in the world. It really makes me forget there is a problem in the world! I`m so lucky! So many miracles and amazing moments this year! With out the really bad, I couldn`t appreciate the really good as much! And trust me. I have never felt so grateful in my whole life as I do this year. And all of you ladies are a part of this. This whole pregnancy/birth/experience has changed me forever and I will never forget you ladies. I have all of the reciepts with your names on it that are going into her baby book! She`ll always know how lucky and loved she is!

Thanks again!

I wish I could say more thanks! You ladies will never ever know. There are no words


I stole this from the message board too because I have been too busy to update.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

So much to catch up on...EEEK p1

So...Saturday...


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So I get to the nicu yesterday..everything was fine and normal in the morning. We cuddled for about 3 hours...most of which I slept because I drove through the night instead of day so I could spend the most time possible with Caid. It was exactly what I needed. I missed my girl. She changed so much already. I can`t get over how fast preemies change their looks. After our snuggle I left with plans on returning later.

Later comes, and I show up only to find her with a huge veiny belly and a huge tube down her throat sucking everything out of her belly. I wasn`t prepared for that. A week had gone by, and nothing had gone wrong at all. She was getting my breast milk by tube at 14 ml every two hours for about 6 feeds and then boom, her stomach balloons up... Image

...and gets all veiny. Now obv her stomach isn`t huge here as I wasn`t snapping pictures when all of this was going on. They kept the tube in just incase. However, her belly stayed pretty veiny. She was really twitchy when I first got there and kept waking up with painful looks on her face. She really wasnt herself. She was breathing really fast, then really slow. She had an apnea..then another later. The first two she had since the first day she was born. I sat there and spoke to her though, told her that everything would be okay while I held her hand for an hour sniffling through my tears like a little baby. (come on, you would cry too if that were your little one) Her breathing started slowing and got more regular, she started opening her eyes a lot and becoming more alert. She was even smiling a lot. Now while I know the smiles are only gas and the tube down her throat blocked a lot of them, they melted my heart anyways! She even locked her eyes on my face a few times. She also didn`t wince in pain anymore when the doctors would come in and touch her belly. I was just very happy that she wasn`t in a lot of pain anymore.

Anyways, the doctors said that this is quite common in babies born at her gestation..that the fact she went a week without anything is great. They said she bounced back faster than expected. They said she will have a straight tube..which I guess is another throat tube, put in today in place with the sucking one. They said she had no signs of infection yet, but that could be what caused the distension of her belly. They said they would monitor her much more closely for the next 24 hours. They said that they would put her on antibiotics the second they thought there was an infection. Her billirubin (sp?) went back up to 162 down from 120-some the day before. They upped the ammount of everything she was getting in her IV because they aren`t going to put food in her tummy again until they are sure she can handle it. Give her poor belly a break. They said if the apneas get worse, they will likely give her caffiene and if that doesn`t work, c-pap and then intubate her after that if that fails too. They assured me that this was just a road bump and that with prems, always expect 2 steps forward, one step back.

Here is a picture of her eyes and one of her tiny litte diaper.
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What a scary day...She just turned a week old that day. Nothing went wrong at all until that point.


Then the next day, a woman off of the board was going to be at the same hospital, and of course I wanted her to meet Bracey. She gave soooo many things. She gave me two garbage bags full of baby clothes that are just to die for!

Bracey however was doing worse than lastnight. THEN we left and she took a turn again..and then she had to get a spinal tap and I couldnt even be there. I had to wait two hours.



This is what she posted about meeting us. Isn`t she just beyond sweet?

Very Happy So, after all of these months chatting with everyone and trying to get to know all of the Sept. mom's I finally got to meet a wonderful and brave Sept. mama!!! Cindy Very Happy Very Happy

She is so sweet, and her "little" girl Bracey is amazing!!!!!!! It is really hard to believe that one little girl can have such a huge impact on your pregnancy. I left the NICU with Cindy yesterday feeling a lot of different things. I wasn't sure how I would feel being pregnant and seeing Bracey but, she was so amazing!! She is such a fighter.

What was really cool that fiesty little Bracey was a little upset and then Cindy held her hand, Bracey opened her eyes and settled right down. Even at such a young age babies know who their mama is Cool

Bracey is such a fighter!! She has really big hands and feet. Her eyes are still really dark and she has a lot of hair. She has these great little wrinkles on her forehead when she looks up. For just being a little one she has lots of fat on her legs...I couldn't stop soaking up every bit of her.

I can't wait to see Cindy & Bracey again. Hopefully it will be sooner than later. Cindy is here all by herself trying to get around the city. She really misses her Caid Crying or Very sad So any words of encouragement to her would be awesome!!! I am really going to try to get there again soon!!

Just my little update! Thanks for reading!!! Very Happy Very Happy

Sorry for the spelling mistakes Very Happy



How encouraging is that?

So then So I went in there Monday, and her tube was out! I was so excited!!!The tube down her throat turned out to be the cause of the apneas and she has a bladder infection. It wasn`t what caused it they are pretty sure it was just how fast they put her up to full feeds... Evil or Very Mad when they don`t usually rush a 29 weeker. BUT, if she didn`t pull this crap, then they may not have found it this early since it didn`t show up.. She was on antibiotics before it even showed up.





Then on Tuesday (yesterday), I posted this.

I`m sorry...I feel so lame when I just copy and paste what I said from the TWW board, I just have not had a second of free time.

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Both of us! And I have color!
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Chubby cheeks!
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Relaxing in her fake sun!
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long views
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With the repogle.
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too much tanning?
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She loves holding mommies finger!
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She is doing so much better. up to 4 mls every 3 hours of milk...Still no more apneas. She hates her bath I guess. I started her a diary. My cousin visits her when I`m gone and will write in it too...She is also going to make a super pretty name tag for her! But back to the serious stuff. She has the prettiest little smile...melts my heart. She got switched to another antibiotics, and is off of the photo therapy. They even gave me her sunglasses to take home with me. I love that I don`t have anything really to update...that means its going well!

Two crappy little updates...one being, her o2 saturation drops a lot...but they said it could be due to her holding her breath, hiccuping or a number of things. They say they aren`t worried...but as a momma, you know I am. and two, poor girl has to keep getting suppositories.





SOOOOOO now there is only left to tell you about today.
I`m going to keep it really short and update better tomorrow. Im so exhausted physically and mentally that I feel like I`m a machine that I am watching wear out or shut down. I`m just going to write this like I`m writing a complaining note to my best friend...apologies.


So I called this morning to see how Bracey was doing. I had to come back to our town to see Caid. Bracey was doing great I was told..We had a fun day here. We went to the park...took some cute pics that I will put in tomorrows posting...Caid comes to me last now when she is hurt, because she knows me the least now. I have been feeling like I have abandoned her for the last 11 weeks, but now I know she has been feeling that way too. I really feel screwed up. I feel like both of these children are my whole life, and I couldnt love anything or anyone more than these children, but I feel like they arent mine. Let me explain. Caid has grown up, and looks to my parents and sister or comforting or guidance more than me. She listens to them, and also, I can`t do much with her as Im still really sore from the section. Second of all, I have to ask to touch or hold Bracey. I don`t even get to breastfeed her..I just pump, which is miserable old hell and I can`t wait until she is on the breast. My poor dry, cracked engorged sore breasts.

Anyways..so I am in walmart shopping for hats ( I want to mention I got the worlds worst haircut and I needed a hat) Like picture degrassi hair...or garth from waynes world...thats me. But yes, at the check out, the phone rings. Bracey was put on oxygen for a little bit through the prongs in her nose, and then the oxygen in her incubator is now being regulated. Now Im hours away, freaking..but staying put because I can`t drive there right now just to have to drive back to get caid the next day and cut our visit short..I cant afford it mostly. But yes, it`s a new day now.,.so I`ll have to finish this one later...lets call this p1 and the other p2
Gotta get up to pump soon...again...my poor breasts...does it ever stop hurting?