Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The story of the end of my pregnancy, and the beginning of life

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Friday, June 26th.
I wake up in the morning. Same old thing. Go to the washroom, pass a lot of blood, a bunch of clots. Grab a quick rice crispy square because I know the nurse is going to be in here any minute now to do the non stress test on me and I don`t want to fail due to lack of movement, so I was hoping the sugar would wake Bracey up. Walking around, tidying up my room, contracting as usual. No real clue how far apart they are. You know...the typical morning there for me. I page my nurse...she comes in. A new nurse. She says her name is Amber, it`s her first shift alone and I`m the 3rd woman she has seen. She was told to come put me on the monitor.

She was warned about the scary time before she says...so she`s hoping the baby will be good this time. Now why did she have to go and say a thing like that? She hooks me up...BOOM...fails. 3 minutes later, the heart beat goes up. By then I jokingly say, it`s because you tempted her to do it by telling her not to. She is good for another 5 minutes when she drops again. I tell her she should call another nurse. This dip was bad. She does call in the other nurse and the other nurse comes down. Says I have an ultrasound scheduled that morning so for amber to go check if she can get it sooner. The nurse asks me if I tried rolling on my side. Of course I did....I know the routine by now. She asked me if Amber had me on all fours, I said yes..she thinks for a second and says, "yes, we should probably get you down for the ultrasound. They`ll likely send you down to labor and delivery to monitor you for an hour or two after it" Like I didn`t already know this.

So I go down for the ultrasound. Baby doesn`t do the breathing movements...so she gets a 6/10...for the failed nst too. My doctor does the dopplers. they were really high as opposed to super low two days beforehand, and he says that they are normal. He said, no eating until they were done monitoring me down in L D for a few hours.

I go down there...crankily. Still contracting...hungry as heck...ONE rice crispy square. Hardly the breakfast of champions. So I get hooked up to the nst there. The difference here is they have a nurse stay with you constantly and they have other nurses watch on a computer out at the desk as well. They hook me up to the IV, and the first bag of fluids.

I text my sister as her and my father are in the city for a doctors appointment. I tell them I am in labor and delivery again for monitoring. They also are used to this I think, and we are all pretty relaxed about it. I wait for them to come and visit. I tell them I may still be in ld because they said two hours. Well, Bracey failed the nst again and again. There was no good side. My Dad and Sister arrive and the doctor is bringing me up to the ultrasound room for another one in 3d or 4d to check on the placenta again because I told them I was bleeding on the inside and I had torn more. I had to get morphine while my dad and sister were there. It sucked I remember thinking. It has been a while since it got bad like that. So my doctor, a bunch of nurses, ultrasound techs and my sister and I watch as my doctor does the u/s. He says its normal. The placenta doesn`t look to be torn any more than this morning (bs) however there is a lot more blood in there. Yes, because it tore more. He says that if the baby keeps dropping then we will deliver.

We go back downstairs to ld for another few more hours of monitoring. Dr shift change. I abrupt more. I need more morphine just an hour later. I tell my dad and sister they can leave, its going to be a crappy boring day in ld and the drugs make me want to sleep. They ask me if I am sure, I said yes..I`m fine. I lied a little, but really, at this point, I thought it was just a little bit different, but all in all the same ole story. After all, the doc said it was fine.

Bracey kept failing, so I asked the nurse to speak to the doctor. It`s a new doc....new plan. (this may annoy you now, and if it doesn`t it sure will later on) He said we are going to do nothing about it for now. We`ll worry about the bleeding which is his concern at this point even though it had slowed and mostly was internally concealed at this point. I asked when I could eat..I`m starving as its around 5 now. 10 hours since that stupid rice crispy square. He responds that when she doesn`t dip for 3 hours, I can eat and we can go upstairs. Bah!! I was so angry. So now not only was nothing being done, but I was being starved too and I`m contracting a lot now. Being strapped in always irritates my uterus...but noooo ...why would anyone listen to me right?

Things calm down for a few hours, but I start getting a this is not right feeling. I call my cousin Jacs to come and visit. She gets us a movie. Before she gets here, I abrupt even worse. I need more drugs, but there is no extra bleeding. I have the "holy shit, omfg belly" on at this point. Jaclyn gets here...I explain to her what is going on..and she can`t believe no one is listening to me. She is like, get the doctor and talk to her. Yah there is a new doc on.

Doc 3 of the day comes in with resident doc. 3 explains that it is too early for her to be born, and since I`m stable,...wtf and baby is stable, then there is nothing wrong and no reason to act. She says that res wants to talk to me and will be my doc for the night. I am like okay, well something is wrong...I know it is..so something needs to be done. You guys need to listen to me..I`m abrupting badly. She argues with me that I am not because I am not bleeding a lot. I explain to her that it is inside and that they should take my cbc and check my hemoglobin. She basically says no. Says they won`t act right now blah blah blah. Now I say, look. something is wrong, something needs to be done. You are not listening to me. Now she says in a different way, the exact same thing...So I say, LOOK something needs to be done, or we will die. She tells me again that they will not do anything because basically, there is nothing wrong..we are stable so they won`t act right now.

So at this point, I am annoyed as hell. Contracting, in pain, convinced tonight is the night..this is the time that I`m not going back up to the floor. She is like, look if we had a reason to believe it would be best to deliver, then we would, but there is no reason to believe anything has changed...so we aren`t going to do anything. I looked her in the eyes, said you are going to fucking kill us, get the fuck out of my room. I start bawling my eyes out. Then she stands there like an idiot and is like, I understand that this is frustrating and you are tired of all of this, but there is no reason to deliver this baby because of that.... I said, if you sit here and treat me like an idiot any longer, and tell me the same thing over and over in different words, all the while not even listening to my concerns, I`m going to lose it, now get out of my room

The nurse I have at this point scolds me. Seriously. Like I am a bad 4 year old. She then says to me...fine, lets go deliver right now your premature baby because you have a bad feeling. She`s not ready to come, but that will be on you okay? Is that what you want. Now, I abrupt worse again at this point, but enough to make my face go white, and the sheets to go red, and the contraction tp last 45 minutes. Yet through my pain, I say to her...well lets not deliver, and I`ll die here under your watch, and so will my baby and this will ALL be on you because you couldn`t take two seconds to consider that someone may know their body better than you know yours. I`m bawling now..my cousin can`t believe this shit...and the nurse goes to get the doctor again. I send my cousin home for the night because she is falling asleep.

I tell the doctor that one way or another, this is the night either we die, or she is born..either way, she will not be in my stomach by the next night. this is at 3 in the morning now. I tell her she can be a part of helping, or killing us. The nurse who I scolded the hell out of confirms that I have just gone through 7 pads, soaked 3 blankets or something insane like that and am still contracting. The doctor then sits down and talks to me. I`m bawling now. I apologize in hopes she is reasonable this time. I explain to her that if they send me back up to the 7th floor, I know we will die. I tell her that no matter what has happened, that I have never once told a doctor before that it was time...I never felt it was, even when I was told it was. that no matter what was said, I was always calm, and always right because it was my body and I knew. Just like I knew then that things have changed. She said she would talk to the other doctor and that she can pretty much guarantee at this point that I will not be going back up to the 7th floor. She just didnt know when anything would happen. She said she would be back and to call if anything else happens.

So I am sooo good and drugged up now on a sick combination of t3s, dilaudids and morphine. All which affect me so much more because I haven`t been allowed to eat, and its all injected too cept the t3s obv. The nurse and I are getting along now. its about 4 in the morning now. Bracey hasn`t had a dip like what she was in hours now, so we weren`t as much watching the strip. Now my contractions had been showing up for 3 weeks nearly now. We didn`t think anything of them. They have gotten stronger, regular, and downright painful tonnes of times...so as we are talking the night away..we didn`t pay much attention. I`m not feeling much of anything at this point. Everytime I have a contraction, we would stop talking, I would breath through it, and then we would continue on. I`m getting damn tired now. So at about 5, the doctor comes back and said she ordered blood work for 6. I try to stay awake, but the drugs have me passing out. I couldn`t wait. I remember waking up during them and sighing, or grunting, trying to breath through them and then falling back asleep. It wasn`t that overly hard at this point because as you all know, I had been in so much pain anyways for so long, this seemed minor. Neither of us had really been watching the monitor.

The lab comes in at 6 and draws my blood. The doctor comes in at 6:45 because she was sent the results. I don`t know what the results were anymore because she took one look at the strip and demanded to know why no one had called her. We then look at the strip....my contractions were 3-4 min apart lasting 1 1/2 - 2 minutes long, starting from a base of 10 going up to 95+ (machine only reads to 100) at its peak. She was like, okay, I know that no one has checked you before because of your fluid, but I am going to now. Everything is just going wrong for you tonight that we are going to deliver anyways. She tells me I should call anyone I want to be there and tell them to come. I said meh, I`m fine, I`ll do it alone and I ask when. She has her gloves on and then everything goes so fast. I can`t even remember how dilated that I was, but it was for sure go time. I was in hard labor and didn`t even know it. Next thing I know, I`m on the phone with my cousin jacs saying she has 5 minutes tops to get here and I am being prepped now. Now I am already on my 6th bag of fluid..but they pump 2 more into me..with not only an IV, but this thing that squeezes it. It`s a cuff thing.

My cousin gets there, I`m texting the dad to be a smart ass and I figure its a funny way to look back on to tell him. I write very fast, Congrats, in 5 minutes you will have another daughter. They take away my phone and everything, put it in a bag and off we go. they change my gown, and transfer me to the delivery room bed. They put another IV in me. They page the neonatal team down there stat. There are about 12 people, maybe more in the room right then.

They put 2 more bags of fluid into me (a liter each) and then flip me on my side. They put the epidural in and have my flip on my back very quickly. They ask me if I can feel this...they start poking me in my feet. yes I can i say. weird, they ask me if it hurts, I say yes and to stop doing it. They ask me to move my toes...I do...they poke me in the leg..I say fuck...I can still move my legs too. They wipe down my stomach, take my blood pressure, people are screaming things everywhere, running around..I`m just trying to look at my cousin in the eyes and breath. I feel pretty sick with nerves. They poke me in the leg..I feel it but it doesn`t hurt. They do it in my feet..I can feel it but no pain...I can`t move them. They do my catheter. It feels crappy...but no pain..just pressure. Go time.

I get cut open very fast. I feel everything but with no pain. They are pushing so hard all over my stomach..I can feel them digging around trying to get the baby. So much pressure it hurts. Well not pain, but...something... I`m trying not to throw up..and I get the hiccups. Nice. Thank god they are pulling her out and not cutting at this point..The hiccups are gone...they are really pushing on me trying to pull her out..I am imaging that she was quite deep in my pelvis at this point. They say we have her. the neonatal team runs over with all of this equiptment and the incubator, breathing equipment, cyran wrap looking stuff...just more stuff you could imagine. Everyone is rushing, talking, panicking...then she comes out and BOOM......

She is crying. Everyone stops. No one says a word. She is freakkkkkkkkkkking out. What a set of lungs on her. I look at my cousin..who works in the nicu...she is crying..I`m in shock,..I was told she wouldn`t cry....I was expecting the worst, as I was told to. For a good 30 seconds I think (it seemed like 5 minutes) no one said a thing..just stared at her. tears streaming down my face...I break the silence with the dumb question...is she...crying? Movement starts again..they put her in the warmer, and put the wrap on her because she isnt fat enough to warm herself.

They offer me a very quick look..I couldn`t see her...but my cousin had taken a few pics on her camera. She showed me on that. The doc stitches and staples me up. No one really says anything. They take her over to the nicu and are going to take me to recovery. I tell jacs to go with her. The nurses take me over to recover for an hour or so..I call my parents..who the father already called. I texted people who needed to be texted. I return d`s call...who is almost at the hospital. He wants to come see me, but he is not allowed in recovery..i tell him to go see bracey.

Now I beg to eat. They won`t effin let me. Seriously. They give me a sip of water. I handle this. They give me a pill...I handle this...I want out of recovery and I have to reach all of these points. I get to see the placenta..which btw was 1/2-3/4 of the way separated and the doctor didn`t know how we were alive and well at this point. I didn`t lose much blood from the surgery, but there was a disturbing amount in my uterus when they had opened me. So much more made sense she said. They should have listened to me. DUH! They do my hemoglobin and we don`t wait for my results. I want to see bracey. I get to see her for about 5 minutes when the doctor comes over. They want me back into labor and delivery for monitoring. to be honest I can`t even tell you why that happened. My hemoglobin was really low...71 or something like that...but they weren`t going to do anything about it.

They bring me up to the 5th floor because now they need to do more testing on Bracey and they want me to get settled. They want to massage my uterus and when they do...I start squirting blood and massive clots all over the place. They freak out and to sum the day up..I was transfused very quickly. I got tonnes more for pain meds, and all day pretty much, someone was pushing so hard on my stomach to try and push out all of the blood and clots. They give me two shots in my legs to make my uterus contract...5 effin suppositories...a crap load of oxytocin though IV and a bunch of other drugs. By the time I get to see Bracey, and pump, was nearly 12 hours later.

My sister had shown up at some point that day as I had called her. I didn`t want to be alone. Plus, I couldn`t move. My stomach was sooo sore from everyone pushing on me so barbarically. I now know why people swear by vaginal birth.

Anyways, my stomach is now bruised pretty bad.

Bracey was born at 7:56 am June 27, 2009. She weighed in at 2lbs 10 oz. She has been on room air since. She now has a feeding tube in her nose to her stomach and is already digesting my pumped milk. She has no infections as of yet. She is jaundiced so she is under the light getting her tan on. She has to be in the warmer and has an iv. She is monitored with
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and
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Oh, she also started taking the soother last night. Usually babies this gestation aren`t able to suck on it with out forgetting to breath or anything.,She can hiccup, suck on that and hold my hand all at once. Multi tasker my girl is.


She also got a cranial ultrasound to check for brain bleeds and such...and she is perfect. No one in the nicu can believe how well she is doing...docs included. They say it is the steroids ob and the fact she was stressed inside of me and had to thrive in there for so long. The fact I contracted for weeks helped her a lot they say.

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ANYWAYS...I`m falling asleep here and have been for a long time as I have been typing. I hope you like my birth story. I`ll probably be discharged tomorrow or the next day, and I have no clue of what I`ll be doing or where I`ll be staying.

I`ll try and update you more on Bracey tomorrow. She is doing just amazing though. The pumping is going great. 24 hours later after the first pumping session my milk came in and now I have a way milk over supply. My goal is to pump and freeze enough milk for her for a year...and bf until she is 6 months .

Anyways. that is how this pregnancy ended. My miracle girl, my rule breaking pregnancy, and proof that no matter what, you should always listen to your gut, and make others listen to your gut too! Have faith in yourself and know that you are capable of so much more than you ever thought you would be, and that you are capable of anything when it comes to your children.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I can`t believe the deaths today!

Michael Jackson, and Farrah Fawcet! Wowsa! What a shocker MJ was though. Not that I overly care, but his music changed the world time and time again, influenced the music industry for decades and I personally have shaken my butt to his songs on the dance floor more than I care to admit to.

Friends that read blogs together, puke together. Don`t read this.

this morning, I was doing my business, (peeing Embarassed ) and I passed a bunch of big clots. Now because the nurses here tend not to look at them ever because it would involve putting on a pair of gloves, and taking them out of the toilet, I decided I wanted to see them. Sorry , I`m disgusting...and was curious and I figure if I have to literally push something out through my cervix, I have a right to want to see what the hell it is.

Soooooo, now that you know how effin gross I am, I put on the gloves, and pull these like mouse size clots out of the toilet since I can`t see them through all the blood I lost too. 4 of them actually since the number isn`t the gross or shocking part. So the first 3 just are the regular nasty...nothing different..and then the fourth one is this NASTY, made me almost want to vomit, light, grayish blue, and purple looking grossness with like blood clots coming off of it all string like...Seriously, looked like I passed a dead jelly fish. Big jelly and ....anyways sorry if you lost your breakfast.

So I called my nurse to look obv...told her I passed some clots that they were in the toilet. she walked in and flushed the toilet right away. She then said, yah I couldn`t see any clots, they must have went to the bottom, but yes I couldn`t see.

Now, while I explained to her after that I saw a greyish looking clot come out of me while it came out I said...should I just admit to this grossness that I am and find out? I have been in so much pain since that I took two t3s and its not helping.

I`m so embarrassed to admit I pulled those clots out to see.

They did a non stress test after this, and the baby is fine...but I hurt...so much...like I want an ultrasound to check on my placenta.

OMG could this be part of like..dead placenta? Okay, now even I am disgusted.


I`m waiting on the doctor now. I just made my nurse go explain to a doctor that I told her there was a grey clot, and she flushed it without seeing it and now I`m concerned and in pain. She said they didn`t seem concerned

Now I mean this is a nice way...but who the fuck is not concerned about a pregnant woman passing any sort of clots...never mind huge greyish/purpleish/blueish clots with regular clots hanging off.... Like I know I am...and mom...I`ll call you later....don`t freak out...I`m just more pissed this wasn`t dealt with better...and that the docs still aren`t here


So the resident doctor came in...she said it was likely part of placenta. They put me back on the monitors and the baby is still great...so thats good. Checked my blood pressure and everything...still good...well for me anyways. 90/50. Still contracting, less bleeding and still passing tiny pinky finger sized clots. normal ones...not this psycho zombie flesh looking thing.
I don`t know why no one has suggested, or did an ultrasound by now though. Like WTF? prego passing massive grey clots...of likely placenta...


Which reminds me. I had an ultrasound yesterday. You can click on the word there and watch the video. My dopplers were low...Pi was .51 and the Ri was .4. My doctor said the lower the better? Google says no...but I`m going to have to go with ....bah on this one. I should know better than to take single readings as a result to anything anyways.

The reason I didn`t post yesterday was because it was a great day. barely any bleeding, contracting pain or anything else that sucks. Best day since I had been in for that stuff anyways.
Well my daughter is coming this weekend...so I`ll have to post on monday the updates after tomorrow. I`ll update on the rest of my day...tonight. I also have to do that gestational diabetes test today...which i had to ask my doctor about doing. boo to him for me having to ask...boo to him.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

So the plan is, if I make it...that she will be..

...born in July! When I am 32 weeks. 3 and 1/2 weeks at most until I am a momma with baby number 2. I am assuming it will be July 20th as thats monday and not the day I turn 32 which is a saturday..but I`m excited to have a plan.

If I stop bleeding and my body stops acting up though, then we will try longer. He said though that there are a million other factors that will make him deliver earlier than that, but 32 weeks is the latest he is going to let this go on.


I`m so excited! Can you believe that almost 10 weeks ago my water broke and I was admitted to the hospital to stay? That I went into shock and was told the baby was dead? That I was told for the first time that there was no chance my baby would make it? Then at 22 told I wouldn`t make 24 and should terminate. Wow...And you know what? I never thought of it as in I had any other choice, or that I was strong for doing this by myself, but screw it! I AM strong! I`m going to have a me day and do my nails, straighten my hair, put on makeup and see if I can get so maternity pics done here! I think I`ll plan it for my 30 week milestone party!


But I really just hope I make it that far now! 3 1/2 weeks ladies. Do you think I can do it? Just knowing a specific end to this nightmare makes me so happy I could cry.

Let my countdown begin ....25 more days! Maybe more..I don`t have a specific date....But he said at 32 weeks, if I`m still the same as I am now, then we are bailing on this pregnancy and she comes out.

I`m really excited, and nervous. Things can still go wrong at 32 weeks. I just have to do my best to fatten up this lil bugger and stay pregnant until then!

Monday, June 22, 2009

28 Weeks 2 Days...another ultrasound, another transfusion..another day.

I was just transfused friday and already my hemoglobin is at 65. Lowest yet. I knew I was abrupting worse. I`m assuming that I`ll be transfused. Okay just confirmed...another transfusion. thats 4 in 17 days. Crying or Very sad Is it too much to ask that I get to keep my own blood and not have someone elses...for like...2 weeks? Soon I`ll be no cindy and all strangers a,b,c,d,e,f,g and h.

Anywaaaaaaaaaaays, here is todays u/s pic and todays nst strip. We`ll all be nurses by the end of this

Look at the thumb
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The strip. These bastards are really starting to hurt!!! And happening a lot more.
Click the OWWWWww

OWWWWww


See?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Dear Non Pregnant Person! Stolen from JennyBean

Thanks for posting that Jenny. I got a good laugh out of it. Best one I have read yet.

Dear Non-Pregnant Person, I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women, as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me - then you should probably read this twice.

1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.

2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father - not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.

3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…

4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.

6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.

7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.

8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World





Stolen From JennyBean
Check her blog too
http://jennybeanlv.blogspot.com/

28 weeks 1 day..the doctor template.

So as I was speaking to my mother, the doctor came in. Not mine of course. He comes in on weekdays most days. So she asks me what was said. I said nothing. She like the smart ass momma I know and love says, so the doctor just walked in, looked around your room and left?
It was then I realized that I get the same every single day. The same sort of....it`s like they follow a template. It goes like this


Hello C, I`m doctor blah blah

Now I see here you have a chronic abruption. Have you had any bleeding?

Yes

Less, more or the same as usual?

The same

So like a period?

No much heavier

Much cramping?

Yes

Are you contracting any?

Yes

Okay, well we are just taking this day by day aren`t we?

Yes.

Okay well, have a good day

Thanks, you too.


Same old every day from those docs. I can`t ask them questions. They ask me about my case. Todays doc was nice and actually read up on me, but most don`t. It`s quite annoying actually.



Anyways, today I woke up feeling much better than I was yesterday. It`s raining out, its darker in my room and I was actually able to sleep in a little. My I.V, lock I want out. It is making my vein constantly itch. Plus my admission bracelet is on the same hand, so it slides down my arm, underneath the IV lock, and pulls it a little. I`m having a very non eventful day. It`s nice so far. Bleeding is normal, contractions are pretty painful today.




Now imagine how cranky you would be if you had to deal with those all of the time! I don`t know if I had mentioned yet that my cervix hasn`t been checked since I was 18 weeks pregnant. Before I had been admitted to stay in a hospital, and before my water broke. I`m really curious about it but they will not, even at my request, check my cervix. They say they don`t want to introduce infection and then my body would go into labor. However, they said they would have to check if I was in labor. However, with regular contractions on the paper infront of them, back pain, not being able to talk through them or walk through them, you would think perhaps they would check me. Nope. Sure won`t. Which is confusing because baby is butt down..right on my bladder...in behind my pubic bones...at 28 weeks. (which don`t get me started...hurts like hell) But yes, all of that means I have to have a cesarean if I go into labor. Deliverying a baby in this position is dangerous for her.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to turn her, let me know. I am all ears. Remember though, I can not leave the hospital, she is already down in my pelvis, she is bum down, feet by her head...and in low fluid. Like I am not even exagerating when I say low. When I stand, I actually cross my legs because she feels like she is going to fall out. She actually feels like she is about 2 inches inside my vagina and is a bowling ball. Does anyone else have to cross their legs when they stand? My doctor has made fun of me for it and has assured me she won`t just fall out...but I think he must be wrong. She certainly feels like she is going to just fall out of me.

Anyways, I am sure I will update more later as I am always bored here. Lets hope for a boring rainy day here.








So I decided to come back. I`m feeling a little jealous. I want a baby shower! I want to be out of this room so badly. My daughter got a puppy two days ago, and I didn't even get to meet this puppy. Yah, I can see them play on web cam, but its not the same.

I wish I could be out buying things for this baby like the rest of the pregnant mommas. Too bad you can`t work when you are in the hospital right? Plus I don`t even know for sure that I am coming out of this with a baby. I think sometimes that just because I made it past 24 weeks, that my baby will survive if born now. I really forget that at this point, 15% of the babies born, won`t make it. Someones baby has to be in that 15 % and I`m sure none of them thought they would be. I just find it so hard to believe that after all of this fighting she has been doing, that she would be in that 15. However, she could be. She is smaller than average, there isn`t room for her as much as others, her supply of life isn`t as good as the average child...really, she has a much better chance to be in that 15% of babies that die if born now..than not.


So to finish up this day.....I grade today...suck!

Well here...here is why

Heart decelerations suck
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Contractions Suck
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And most of all....


Contractions plus decelerations suck! 5 seconds before this, lower heart rate, higher number on contractions... luckily not by much at all...

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I am abrupting worse...I know I am....I`m getting a mild pain attack with some awful contractions. I had a bad feeling, so I had my nurse hook me up to the monitor. Thank god for having a good nurse. She said anytime through out the night I want to be hooked up, just ask. She was concerned about the contractions, I was concerned about the babies decelerations in heartbeat. She is happy with the baby part of the strip though , and I am not worried about the contraction part of the strip. We agreed we would leave it, but if I have any more pain at all worse than I have now, I`m to let her know. I have to say though, it is nice to have a nurse who is concerned when I say I am. Not much worries me these days. I am pretty desensitized...


Here is a pic from earlier too. Just to add to the sucking of my day.

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More of my posts from TWW

June 15th

I have been contracting since tuesday between 5 second breaks between em-10 minutes apart. Not sleeping, they hurt like hell, Im bleeding lots, I hurt, I`m cranky and I just want this to be over with. I`m sorry ladies, I mean it. If my doc were here, I would tell him enough is enough.

I have been contracting since tuesday june 9!!! TUESDAY! haven`t stopped. While it is normal for me to contract for a few hours at a time...this is brutal. They hurt so bad, they are close together, and I want to sleep through them but can`t. Can`t eat through em, talk through em, can barely breath through them. My uterus is just that irritable now.

Baby kicks, I bleed inside, I contract which makes baby kick, which makes me bleed......bah



Sorry...seriously, just someone put me out of my misery. Two transfusions in 6 days, babies heart beat keeps dropping, non stress tests twice a day...always in pain, can`t sleep...can`t function..i have 24 needle scabs on my arms right now...from the last week alone. My veins aren`t even working right. Seriously, when is enough enough?

I saw a resident doctor today. The convo went like this. Follows the template

Are you still bleeding?
Yes
Is it much?
Yes
The most you have had before?
It was last night
And now? Slowed down?
From last night? Yes
Are you still contracting?
Yes.
Are you in pain?
Yes
Okay then. Well try and relax, and have a good day.

It took much more time for you to read that then spoken

......

They supposedly are doing one soon. I started crying and he was like, I can understand that this is frustrating, and I was like, it`s because of the situation, its because of the lazy, bitchy neglectful nurses up here.

I feel a little bit better..and by killer chick do you say this because I`m ready to kill someone? (in response to someones comment) I passed 4 clots in the last 12 hours. One the size of my thumb, one the size and thickness of my palm, one the size of a softball and one the size and thickness of half an aero bar. The nurse responded with...relax ...

There are a few words that people will not allowed to say near me while I drink after this. Viable and relax. If they do say it, their life may no longer be viable because I will not be relaxing!!! BAH





*********I want to throw in here that the nurses neglect everyone to an extent. I was next to the nurses station for a while...the things I heard made me sick. I also can`t count the times that my cousin has walked by to come visit on her break from work, saw them sitting there laughing joking around in their lounge while I was waiting for someone to come because I wanted them to check on baby.


And can you believe I made it this far? I bet even you didn`t think I would.









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So there were 4 pockets of fluid...totaling 16 cm!!!! normal is 5-25 Check me out ladies! I`m an amniotic fluid creating machine!

It`s official, I need a blog. Where are some good free ones for dummies?


Oh she is doing a war cry!





So we all joke around about how I wear a different belly everyday. It`s determined by how much blood is pooled in my uterus, how much amniotic fluid there is...things like that. Well two days before this picture was taken, I didn`t look pregnant.
Today I put on my OMFG are you serious??????? belly.

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Nuts eh?




June 16th

Seriously, in the last 48 hours, I have probably passed around 20 huge clots. Easily. My doctor does not seem concerned, but I really really am. Why all of a sudden is all of my blood clotting? Even when they take out IV`s or draw blood....I don`t bleed after. I even have veins that the nurses swear the iv will be in that just don`t return blood.

No one seems concerned since I have been bleeding , but I really am concerned.



I want to add at this point, I keep asking to have my hemoglobin checked. Nope, not happening. Because you know, people want to have blood drawn all of the time for fun right? Obviously that is why I have been asking.





June 18th
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Her fluid was down. She failed. She didn`t do her breathing movements either. They give them 30 minutes....they gave her 45 and she didn`t do a one. Her fluid Monday rocked...3 huge pockets....today...one...barely measuring 3cm. Sad I guess my sac didn`t reseal.





Friday June 19th

She is around 2lbs7ounces. In the 30th percentile where as two weeks ago, the 75th

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I don`t know what any of this means just yet but I`ll put it up anyways
Max=-.31m/s
Min=-.11m/s
Pi=1.03
Ri=.65
TAMx=-.20m/s
HR=145bpm
S/D=2.85

30db 2+/+1/4/5
PW Depth = 57mm
PW Gate= 4.0mm
PW Gain =-8db


Placenta Abruption.
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So that is where the trouble is!!!





Another friday update
I guess it makes sense now why I didn`t have the energy to update you guys...

I don`t know if I have mentioned how I was nagging the nurses and docs to check my hemoglobin...welllllllllll they finally did..and now an hour later...voila...transfusion number 3. Those fuckers need to learn to listen to me. I know my body.

Anyways....the baby isn`t growing all that well. Two weeks ago she was on the 75th percentile for size....this week she is 30th. She has more fluid than wed...so seriously, the more water you drink if your fluid is low, the better. I kid you not.


She got an 8/8 on the test. I haven`t gotten to see my doctor to talk about the ultrasound. I doubt I will. A friend actually got sent over from emerge to here to get an ultrasound a few minutes after I had written the original post this afternoon...so I got to see her baby at 16 weeks. Wow what a difference it is when there is fluid.

On another note, I can now hook up my own non stress test, read it, tell you were everything is on an ultrasound , explain far too many ob things, and explain to someone all about their cervix. I can also explain brain, placental, and umbilical dopplers (just not how to decipher them) I even pick out which vein they use for my IV`s and have a great success rate. Since I have been doing this, I have gotten less pokes



On another note..I got the first unit of blood, got up to use the washroom and lost that much, and then shift change. So then, I get a crappy nurse, who won`t check my vitals even though I am pretty sure it is regulatory....(the other nurses said, and I doubt that they like to sit here and check everything like 20 times during a transfusion for fun) I mentioned it to her, she said it wasn`t needed. I said then why did they tell me it was the rule for transfusions...and she said in an angry voice that it is not needed and she would be back to check when she is done with her other patients and my transfusion was done.

It`s like..look bitch..I was fine the last blood, but this is a new persons blood going into my veins.





**********I really am turning into a mean mean person. When did this happen? I bet if I read back I could pin point the moment. But hold on, I get worse. I know...how is it possible right?



Saturday June 21

I hollered at my nurse today and told her I was going the fuck home. Then they send another nurse in to talk to me, who tells me she doesn`t believe that half of the nurses in here are that neglectful.

She blames the fact I want to go home on the fact that I miss my daughter..which of course makes me bawl my face off.... and they still wont unhook my IV so I can pack. I flat out told the nurse that I feel like I will die bleeding on the floor or that my baby will die inside of me with the neglect here, and she plays it off like its because I miss Caidence?

like no! I am not stupid enough to risk my health and the babies health and go back to my other crappy hospital because I miss someone. It`s because I honestly feel so neglected here that I feel like something bad will happen because no one came, or no one checked on me or the baby when I asked them too.


Later...


After dealing with jackasses all day trying to make sure that they weren`t one of the nurses who was being neglectful, one finally came down and was like, look if I have been neglectful I am very sorry. I wrote down on your chart as well that you are to be seen by someone who deals with complaints. If you have complaints about me, i for one apologize, and two hope that you wouldn`t feel scared to share that with i forget her name...She said she was so sorry I was dealing with this crap, and was great. Obv this was one of my good nurses. I felt so bad that she thought it was her. She was like, I could have come faster, I could have done this...that ...

Anyways, I`m going to write down every shift who is my nurse and how it went from now on.

And I am always very nice to them. I say please and thank you. I ask about their families IF they give me the time of day. I was that way in the beginning. I had a nurse today tell me to to be bitchier. She said that when I page them, if I am worried, march right to the bathroom and use the emergency button. She said everyone up here feels that their case is an emergency...so if I am sitting here saying, may I please see my nurse in a nice voice while I am bleeding all over, that I am going to be chosen second over the woman screaming in the room next to me who wants to know if she can get her 10 pm pill at 11 tonight when she goes to bed..because she is saying its important the nurse get down there

Makes sense. So I guess it really is my fault. I just know they are sometimes busy and that hollering at them isn't going to make them get down here faster. Also, they all have apologized. Said that since I bleed so often, and do all of these other things all the time, that they just assume each time we will be fine. They said they know better than that and if I ever want to hear the baby again, they will no longer refuse.


I just don`t understand why I have to cry, or be a bitch to get help. In fact to get anything in life, you have to be a bitch otherwise you are walked on. That is unfair.

On another note...I have decided that my approach to this is when I am done with the journal of nurses and dates and so forth, I am going to send a single note with the bad nurses saying only that they should be watched, and then send thank yous to all the other great nurses who I really couldn`t get by here without. And a nice present to my nurse J who seriously is the best nurse ever IMO.


I finished my day buy starting this blog. I`m not going to lie when I say I am almost as excited to be caught up (even in the crappy way I did, leaving so much out), as I am to have gotten through to the 3rd trimester!

An email I wrote and never sent because I didn`t know who to.

I am up on the 7th floor maternity. My concern is the nurses here and the care they provide. While I have a few great ones, the care I receive here disgusts me and everyone I tell about it. I have a chronic placental abruption. I bleed heavily much of the time. I have had nurses argue with me about how much blood I lost, I have had other nurses when I have told them I have lost over a cup of blood, not check on the baby, or my vitals and say okay have a good night. I know I bleed a lot of the time, but I am 26 weeks pregnant...every time I bleed could have a devastating affect, and they need to start treating it like that. I have paged the nurses and said I am bleeding a lot...only to wait an hour, have no one come, and my nurse say, oh it is shift change in a few minutes, I will tell your nurse.

I have paged asking to see my nurse stating, I can`t breath barely at all....an HOUR later, a whole hour, I paged again asking if I had been forgotten...no one had told my nurse.

I have nurses who treat me like a child and don`t tell me anything. They treat me like I am stupid. I know more than enough

I tonight, contracted back to back at least 14 contractions, which btw were caught on a strip while doing a non stress test. I mentioned it to the nurse, and responded with okay, is there anything I can get you. Mind you yes, they were minor contractions,...but I am 26 weeks pregnant with SROM at 19 weeks and my contractions should be taken seriously.

I have had a nurse tell me I didn`t need an ultrasound that my doctor ordered (since I am inpatient they dont` make appointments, they just bring us down) and I didn`t have one on wed as I was ordered to. Therefor I had to have one thursday. Then when they took me down for the one today (friday) one tech/nurse flat out refused and was going to send me back until I demand it be done. Even after I was like, my doctor said I needed on.

Another night, I was in severe pain, worse than labor. I was abrupting worse. For 3 minutes, I couldn`t see, just pitch black, could only hear loud ringing in my ears and feel my heart beat through everywhere in my body super fast, my head boiling hot, could barely breath, couldn`t stand, feeling like I was going to throw up. I paged my nurse instantly...took her 10 minutes to come down mind you. I`m in worse pain than labor. Let me tell you, when your placenta tears away from the uterine wall, it feels exactly like some of your organs inside are being torn apart...like an axe in your back. I get a contraction that lasts until the morphine (which I only take at this time). She looks next to me, and sees pop. Told me it was gas pain, and walked away. I had to fight with her, for an hour,to get the morphine. She kept trying to convince me to instead take regular strength tylenol. I was bleeding like mad, and she wouldn`t even take my vitals. I asked to see a doctor, she said no. I was there bawling my face off, rolling around in my bed grabbing at my back and stomach because they felt like they were being ripped open and had an axe in it. I wish i had written this things down with times and places, or even knew which nurse it was, but my hemoglobin is contstantly low (mid 80s) along with my blood pressure (80/40 low) and I never had this nurse before then..so I dont remember much.

I have had nurses write down that they had flushed my iv, or given me my pills, when they haven`t. I have had some of my only usable veins blown because my IV hadn`t been flushed in 20 hours. I have had IV`s last 6 days and not gone bad as long as they were flushed.

Doctors constantly openly contradict each other here having so many residents.

I have been here since 22 weeks pregnant, no one gave me a chance. I could hear them speak outside my door saying it was a sin I had so much hope. I`m 27 weeks tomorrow actually, and I only now have been offered a tour of the NICU. No one has given me any statistics, offerred me pamplets or really even taken the time to answer my questions other then a very few people. Thank god my doctor is one of them.

I have had family here who when I paged my nurse because I was losing lots of blood, walked up to see my nurse sitting there telling jokes at the desk 10 minutes later.

I have woken up in the middle of the night before to go pee, and my iv had run dry and the fluid was just in the little part where it drops before going down the tubing and the bottom tubing.

I constantly hours later have to remind the nurses about my pills too. The majority of them act like they hate you every time you page them. They argue with you when you state something you know. Like blood forcefully gushed out of me for 5 seconds...they say, no it didn`t. I'm unaware of them being there during the incidents.

I was down in labor and delivery for the day. They barely would let me come back up here. They told me, if I was even worried in the least due to bleeding, to go back down. I bled so much in the next day, that I had to be transfused. However, when I asked my nurse to go back down, mockingly, she said, what? you think they will just stop the bleeding. Go relax and try and sleep.

I can`t count the amount of times that I have cried because of the care here. The amount of texts I had sent to my family asking if I should just leave this hospital.Even the messages I have left for my family doctors and the ob I had at home begging to be transferred home. However, they don`t have the blood they have here, or the care for the baby as mine has a good chance oh having to be born within 10 minutes if I completely abrupted. The only reason I stay is because of the NICU.

Now I`m not going to name names because really, it won`t do anything except get me treated worse. That is the type of people that work here. Lots of them are lazy, bitter, don`t listen to the doctors, think they know best, mean to the patients, don`t listen to the patients and treat you like you don`t know what is going on with your own body. In fact, a lot of the nurses won`t even tell my doctor things, like passing plum sized clots through my cervix when I am pregnant. They won`t call a doctor when I ask unless they see fit. If I weren`t an inpatient here, I would be able to go to labor and delivery and be treated or seen by a doctor when I am gushing blood. My vitals would be checked when I say I can`t breath. The baby would be checked on when these things happened. Especially since I am only 26 weeks pregnant. I would see a doctor and have the baby monitored when I am contracting as she is known to have heart beat decelerations down to 70 for minutes during contractions due to low fluid causing likely cord compression.

Stolen from TWW of my posts since I don`t remember much

So this is where things started getting real foggy for me. My blood really stopped being at a safe level...so I started getting transfused. However, I always updated the ladies on the TWW board. I`m just going to steal my posts off of there to put in here.

May 29

I am so fed up, I actually going to call my old o.b. and ask to go back there.

I am so sick of the doctors here. I never see mine long enough to ask questions...I get to see a resident doctor everyday, who knows nothing about me or my case. I get new nurses, who depending on which one it is, doesn`t do anything or when i call, they leave me here. I get promised one thing by one, and then the next day, no one does or knows anything about it. None of them agree with anything, I don`t get any of my questions answered, and I`m sick of answering questions to explain to the doctors what is going on!!! When I get my next ultrasound, I hope to god the baby has turned. I actually really think she may have. If she has, then I can do a vaginal birth, and I WILL be going back to my home town hospital. It`s a joke to be away from my family for this. I`m alone, and I`m scared, I don`t know anything and really, when I tell them I am contracting, they don`t do anything anyways! 6 hours I have been contracting...6! they havent even asked me how far apart, they just say, okay, we will watch it, and then leave! (they aren`t regular but they don`t know that because they didn`t ask) At least at my hospital, my doctor has time to answer my questions. And I see one doctor, not a new one everyday.

Who would be the person I talk to about this here since I can never see my doctor.




Also May 29th.


my fluid level...is ......JUST BELOW 5CM!!!!!!!! I am beyond ecstatic. Also, at the ultrasound, I asked her to check the lungs. She said in another 2 weeks we could tell more because at that point, they start to do breathing motions...and we can`t see it at this point, and voila as she is saying this, Bracey is doing it. She was amazed

She called my doctor in because she was in disbelief. He couldn`t believe how well things are going. He said that he had no hope, and cases like these are the ones who prove science wrong. He said he has no clue how this baby, can be this fine with all of the things she has gone through. With all the blood I lost, and apparently not any damage at all for my water being broke for 5 weeks, and he said it is seeming like it healed. He said he doesn`t know how we could possibly handle it so well.

But then we started talking about my beefs with him. He tried to pass it off on being sad and missing my family. I really got quite angry with him. I told him that yes, while it is sad as hell, I am not stupid enough to put my childs life at risk because I was sad, I was doing it because as far as I could tell, he was not doing his job as well as he could be, and that a second rate hospital would address me and my babies needs better than he was. That I would have a say in our treatment, and my questions would be answered.

He tried to tell me I was upset again and to ask the other doctors, to which I said, yes I am upset, but I am questioning your care here. They are not my doctor, you are. While I realize that a baby being born at the second, is much more important than my hemoglobin question, when I have it written down for two weeks, I get upset. That I couldn`t say that I was being taken care of and that I demand that my questions be answered one way or another. I told him I didn`t care if at the end of the day, my nurse called and asked him over the phone, and relayed it to me. I`m not needy and don`t need him there every time to answer every question, however I do need questions answered .

I called my doctors down home earlier to get me transferred. They called him and told him that if I was complaining, then something was wrong and he better make the time. Made me feel better.

I was told by a nurse later good job, I made him feel bad and no one ever does. He told the nurse my questions are to go through to him, and if I want to see him, I get to see him.

Anyways, he is coming to answer my questions today. I will be beyond pissed if he doesnt. I am feeling better now.

He even said that he will let me go home at 34 weeks, and that he wouldn`t be overly surprised at this point with this amazing child, that I will make it there. He said science says I won`t, but baby says we will. Said this baby is just as healthy, if not healthier than other babies at this gestation with nothing wrong, and he doesnt know how


Finally a great update. I hate always having bad news given to me, and bad news to pass on as I know you are all worried and rooting for me! Seriously, I KNOW in my heart, it is your guys best wishes and thoughts not only getting me through this, but bracey too! I tell her all the time that she has tonnes of other aunties out there thinking about her everyday! She really is turning out to be a little miracle baby!

Sorry for the long update for those who aren`t following. I am just SOOO excited to finally have something good to tell you. It really is a lot of ups and downs, and I couldn`t get back up without you girls!

Almost to 25!



May 31

Guys, things are going great! I laughed when I said that. I don`t know when my opinion of great came to this, but I`m so excited to have made it to 25 weeks! 15 weeks left hopefully. I actually am hoping for 12 weeks left! Come on, we know the last 3 weeks suck so much anyways.

Anyways, here is my update.

As on now, I have an infected mouth! A bladder infection, and I`m still bleeding lots and contracting lots, BUT it is not as bad as before. I`m not leaking amniotic fluid anymore. I know I`m not! I can`t be. My blood is thick now, and I am passing so many clots now. (sorry I have become gross and having no censor button since in here) I`m hoping to get my fluid up even higher than min amount. I know he says its perfectly fine at this level, but I want her to turn and it would be much easier for her if I had like 10 cm. I`m going to keep putting the water to me. I know THEY say there is no hope, but really, it`s my hope and I have it so they can kiss my butt! My lil girl is as stubborn as I am, and gives me all the reason in the world to hope that ANYTHING is possible.

Does anyone know any links to sites or tricks to turn baby? I can`t manipulate my belly in any way what so ever because I`ll start contracting and its very dangerous for me.

Oh where is your uterus at guys? Mine is halfway between my belly button and my ribs. I can see it when I contract. They don`t measure my fundal height here because...well really what is the point. They see the baby every week so its rather pointless.



June 5th

So I just had my growth ultrasound...and get this! Baby is 2 lbs! And my doctor is astonished. Said he never saw membranes full out rupture like mine and repair itself so well. Said he can not believe this baby is thriving and that with the amount of fluid there is no way there is damage being done to her in anyway from low fluid!

Then more from the 5th

My hemoglobin has reached 69 while taking iron 3 times a day. I can not even tell you how shitty I feel. I hop finally I will feet better. I`ll uodate you guys later

Oh also, the babies heart rate dropped to 50 for a minute last night....nice eh? Didn`t even see a doctor! My doc was called and said 15 more minutes on the machine to monitor it, and if it didnt happen again, I get to go to bed .


All of this while my daughter and mother are here


I wrote the next day how my hemoglobin only rose to 79 because I was still bleeding so much.



June 8th

Because what else can you do but take pictures in a hospital. This is my morning.

I get up, after barely sleeping, and wanting to throw things at the woman who ignores the sign on my door that says sleeping do not disturb every morning to give me my oh so urgent ice water (which btw I don`t drink in my sleep so I wouldnt need it if she hadn`t woken me up) even though I have my own bottled water...which i remind her everyday.

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Then I got up, get dressed (after checking out here obv) and took a belly picture for this week as I am looking huge today and really find humor in the fact my belly literally is noticeably different day to day. 26w1d

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So I decide I`m finally going to go back to sleep. I switch the sign back on the door to sleeping, and like a hawk, a nurse swoops in and tells me I am getting strapped into the non stress test machine. I take out my cool dude belts...yes, I have my own at this point...and they tell me her heart beat is too low, and I am starving her so I need to eat to give her food. I debate strangling her with my straps and decide I had better not. after all, I am hungry...hence why I already ordered food. Perhaps I would be in a better mood after I ate


Thank god I ate. That was the best disgusting food ever! So I get hooked up to the ole machine. Normal heartbeat. That woman was right, food helped.

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Things are going great,..oh what is this she says? A cord? I LOVE cords she says. They are soo fun.
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She is active. Her heart rate also drops a bit when she moves. I like to think she is dancing in there. (black marks are where she is moving)
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Surprisingly, I still haven`t failed the test at this point. Almost, but her heart needs to drop for 20 + seconds. She goes back at 19....and then...

BOOM!
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I contract and she dropped below 50 this time. However the lowest on the monitor I could catch since I am taking pics with my cellphone and it takes forever to get it back to where i can snap a picture....

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And voila. Just like that...I fail. They put me on for another 5 minutes after that and she was fine. I get to do it again later.

So I have learned that the baby likes contracting about as much as I do. And I have been stupid contracting since.

Tomorrow better be better than today. It`s only 2:21 and I already hate my day. I have also come to the conclusion, that even when I dont lose a bunch of blood, it is at a min of 3-4 table spoons worth. I`m told not to worry about that. So I did the math. 3tbspn -45ml 4=60. Now lets say I have a good day and I lose blood only 10 times (easier for math) I lose 450-600 ml MINIMUM that day. Nice eh? I dont even want to think of a bad day. I think I am going to start writing this down because I don`t even think the doctors realize how much I am losing when I say oh just a little this time...3-4 tablespoons.

I`m cranky Crying or Very sad and I miss my girl...cheer me up!

Then my day gets worse.

Sooooo yah. I wrote earlier how I failed that test because babies hb dropped....well i had to do it again. for 7 minutes ladies babies hb was below 60. they had me on my hands and knees...hooked up to oxygen.....all the nurses were here....a few doctors..not doctor...



AND then. like that...she stopped and her heart rate went back to normal. So they waited 10 minutes, did an ultrasound, did the scoring test and she had a perfect score. Her fluid is almost normal...not even low normal...almost normal. I have a bunch of blood in there though...in my uterus...which i did not have on Thursday. I`m assuming it started pooling since last night because i haven`t been bleeding as much.

ANYWAYS..my doctor says afterward, oh wow, you were almost on your way down to be delivered...isn`t that something. Now they have to keep an ever closer eye on me. Now tell me that that is not horrifying. Nurses and doctors screaming orders at you to try and get your babies heart beating above 60bpm...There was times I didn`t hear a beat for seconds.


I have been hooked up to the monitor for an hour and a bit after...she seemed okay there...a few more dips...but I`m waiting on the doctor to see it and see if I should be transferred "down stairs" and monitored there.


I wish I weren`t alone Sad I`m scared now...really effin scared

Boom! I fail!

They sent me down to labor and delivery where I spent the entire day. They had me sign forms for when baby was born. They said to flip me on my side and if she didnt smarten up, then they would deliver. I wasn`t allowed to eat all day. They were very ready to take her out when her father showed up. For some reason her heart settled down and she has been pretty decent ever since. This is when the contracting started, so watch this date.

I know you would think that they would monitor me all the time after this...but no, they didnt. My uterus is irritable as heck now.




Reading back about these things, I`m glad that I don`t remember them all of the time. I wouldn`t be able to make it if I did.


June 10th

Do not read this if you get sick reading about blood. This is far far FAR too much info, and I am just pissed. So now you poor ladies get to hear about it.


When all of this is said and done, I am writing a shit load of complaints. My blood this morning was 73. I was transfused last time at 69. Now I easily just lost 2-3 cups of blood. I told my nurse this, and she was like, ok bleed in this now, and put the hat in the toilet. She was like, Oh it looks like it splashes. I was like yes, it does. Now I am talking a lot of blood loss. Like I had to flush the toilet twice the first time to make the water clear. Then I came back here ( I was down the hall in the family room) and needed to sleep because I was so weak. Then I woke up sick to my stomach, and lost a pile more. All like fire engine red. I stumble out of the washroom into my bed. I page her. She came down and was like, after I told her I easily lost that much blood...she said...well its hard for us to know how much you lost when it is in the toilet. it mixes with the water. Mind you, you can`t through the blood in the toilet. It`s all red, even splashed up to the seat.

I`m like, I know how much I lose because it pours out of me for about 20 seconds splashing me.


Then later that day.....

Literally 2 seconds ago, my doc came in. I assumed that the nurse had told him about the bleeding and that is why he was here. He asked how things were, I told him I feel like crap. He asked if I had bled any because i wasnt really yesterday. I was like yes, in fact today I have had the two largest gushes yet. He was like, when was this? I said within the hour. He looked shocked. He said, did they do your ultrasound today? I said no, he asked if I was monitored after the bleeds, I said no. She didn`t even check my blood pressure the second time. He said they may have to transfuse me, I said I know and that I feel worse than before I was transfused last time. He said well I could get your hemoglobin checked again this evening. I said well wasnt it low this morning...he then checks and (i already knew because I asked this morning) and was shocked it was 73 and no one told him.

I told him this was before the bleeding and I think it should be checked now. He said sure and he would have my nurse come down and do the monitoring. I know cbc`s usually take 12-24 hours to really tell how low your hemoglobin is, but jesus...why won`t anyone just take my word for it? Down stairs last night they were keeping me the last little bit because of such minor bleeding that I wouldn`t even acknowledge it. They were ready to transfuse me then.....

I hate it here. You never know if you will have good care, or be neglected. It all depends on the day


......
I dont know how my blood pressure is because she didnt check it. They haven`t checked on the baby yet..and the bitch nurse still is not here.

The bleeding is slowing now. I just bled into that stupid thing she told me two, and it was only just a bit over 2 ounces of blood so I`m content with that little amount,..however, i already lost more than that.

I would kick some ass if I had the energy...and when this is said and done, and Im back home..I`m talking to my doctor back there...or even when she is born and I don`t have to rely on these women up here for my care...

like picture this

Pregnant woman: Nurse, I lost a lot of blood.
Stupid Nurse: how much?
PW: more than I have been since I have been here.
SN: okay, try and rest up dear.

That was the first time at 330. I fell asleep within minutes. woke up feeling sick as hell....bled a crap load in the toilet ..and insert up above.



......So I paged her in...she stood at my door. She was like , yes cindy? I was like..can I get my iv hooked back up. I drank 4 bottles of water, and my nose, mouth and eyes are still dry. She flat out said no. Not I`ll ask your doctor, or wait and see. I have it heplocked. (still in my vein, not hooked up to anything...locked off)

Then she went into my bathroom where there was like very little blood and was like, oh still bleeding...i said not reaally. she said, oh did they do your blood yet? I just ordered it. I said yah they did. I said at least now the bleeding as slowed down. She was like yah I dont think so. I was like yes. this is nothing. She said well now we know how much you are losing..I said, I know how much i am losing. She said well no one can know when its in the toilet. I said I know, she said you can`t. I was like, it pours out of me. We literally argued for 2 minutes, and then she stopped...frustrated, said well now we know how much you are ACTUALLY losing and not what you say. Said thanks and walked out.

Seriously, when my next nurse comes on, I`m going to fucking ask who to email a complaint to.

Oh and she said about my dry mouth;..must be the air in here....its so dry in the hospital. I said, no i lost the blood and went dry instantly. She ignored me and said to herself,, yes the air is what makes sense. then said, get someone to bring you life savers. those candy i find helps me.

Seriously....weakness is the only thing stopping me from choking her. I called my poor mother bawling...something I haven`t done since I was like 18 and moved out on my own and was homesick. (funny reading this because I have done it a million times since)

I want to add, I didn`t end up finding someone to complain to. I always let it go. Venting on the board was the thing that kept me sane.

Ohhhh and I have a snotty nurse tonight too...nice. Can`t catch a break i swear. So i mentioned i was told to bleed in that thing...so I did...and then the new nurse argued with me whether or not i peed in it...which i didnt...then she demanded to know how she would know better than I...and I said...because i didnt pee

This time I`m leaving the bloody pee in the toilet and just the blood in the cup instead of flushing the bloody urine

Oh lost 300 more mls since typing last. nice eh. still haven't checked on her.



June 11th

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Dukes Up!!!! My little fighter!

I`m getting transfused in a few minutes, just wanted to show you ladies that! Also she scored good on the planning score . AFI is at 3 but still not low enough to mess her up I am told.


I`ll update more later



Later:


Whoa, what a crap show that was. 3 veins ballooned up..So I got 4 IVs today. My arms are swollen and bruised..and the lab screwed up this morning so my inner arms veins where they draw blood are bruised and sore too. They were going to call anesthesia up here to do it, but thankfully they got it to work for the last 15 min of the transfusion in a temp vein...i had to hold my hand in the most awkward position ever! I better not be needing an IV or transfusion in the next few days or I won`t have a single vein left.

But oh god I feel sooo much better. In fact, I have so much more energy than what I am used to, that I need to take ativan to sleep again tonight. Im curious what the hemoglobin is going to be tomorrow.

Can you believe that the resident was not going to transfuse a bleeding pregnant woman at 71 because it wasn't in the 60s? Thank god I have never seen this one before.

PS...I`m going to be one bitter bitch by the end of this hospital stay.


June 12

I remember stupidly thinking to myself at one point, wow, I`m jealous, those at risk moms get ultrasounds all the time. I would certainly trade all of these pictures to not be high risk.

Anyways, here are a few more. Taken today.
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Chubby cheeks here.
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Because us women have never seen a vagina before Razz
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Someones post about finding out after them telling her it was a girl, that it was a boy scared me. So I made them check...AGAIN.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

I had so much hope for the new hospital.

I`m going to start this off by saying that even as sad I was being transferred to the new hospital, the "better" one, that I thought it what was best for me and the baby growing inside of me. Hell I stayed in my home town hospital 3 weeks (since 19 weeks) and I was still okay. Yes I was having tonnes of pain, I was writhing in pain most nights at this point. I would start to go into shock because of the blood loss, and then I would snap out of it. My body was getting used to it. They had me on Iron supplements, my prenatals, collace, gravol to take when needed, and morphine by injection or pill when needed. I hated taking drugs, but lord knows I needed them to get through it. I would cry for hours when I would abrupt more. The nurses would stay with me long enough to make sure my blood pressure had settled and I got my drugs. The first week was the worst. I was alone when this would happen. I would lay in bed straightening out my legs, bending them, rolling from side to side. I remember a few times biting my lip so hard blood went down my face. Same with the nails in my hands. Sitting up, laying down, standing, walking, bending over, laying in the fetal position...anything to stop the pain as I bawled my eyes our for my baby. Wondering if she was gone inside of me. Shaking in fear on top of it all. I would grab my back, my stomach and wait for the drugs to kick in while I lay there alone. Hoping my contraction from the start of what I called my "pain attack", would end soon. The drugs would take over me about 20 minutes after the injection. Slowly, my muscles would relax, my contraction would ease, and the blood would stop being sqeezed out of me.

They wouldn`t even check on the baby at this point. She wasn`t viable. Again, yes, the fetus wasn`t viable. I would try and ask about her, and that is what I would get. My doctor would be in in the morning to see me. I could ask then any questions that I had however "the fetus" wasn`t viable. Are you sick of reading that? Imagine how I felt to hear it many times a day.


Now I`ll spare you the fact that I would many many times a day or night get up to use the washroom and have blood project from me. Not even gush...I`m talking with force. The blood would hit the water and splash even outside of the toilet. All over me, sometimes even on the floor. So when I say a big bleed, this is what I mean. I`m talking more than a cup of blood come out of me in seconds right before my eyes. Not at all what a pregnant woman wants to see.

I think the worst part of this was being alone. Anytime someone I cared about asked, I didn`t want to scare them. What would scaring them do to help. Plus, I always heard the same thing. I am sooo sorry. I could hear the pity and lack of hope in everyones voice. I could feel them thinking that they just wished it would end so I could move on with my life. Accept the loss and move on. Everyone was trying to prepare me for the worst. I didn`t want to hear it. So I started lying, saying that I was fine. I avoided their calls, emails, messages.....everything. I didn`t want to lie anymore. They were all hours away anyways.

When I get hospitalized as a single mom, you find out who your friends are. A simple, could you possibly take my daughter to the park when you take your kids message ignored a bunch of times, or just a hey, give me a call, I wanted to see how things are going. No one wanted to hear how awful my life was now either. They had their own life. I didn`t want to bring them down either.

People would message me on the computer or on facebook. The same thing. How are you? I didn`t want to explain 20 times a day the exact same story. I couldn`t give them answers to even simple questions. How is the baby? Do they think she has a chance? When will she be born? What are they saying? I couldn`t answer anything about the baby until I was 23 weeks, because everyone flat out refused to talk to me about it.

At 23 weeks, my doctor went away and had another doctor cover for me. This doctor flat out told me how things were. He was quite amazing actually. He explained everything to me, taught me alot. He told me what could happen, and what would likely happen. He was very realistic with me too about my hopes and expectations. He told me that there was no fluid around the baby. That this was the most important time for the fluid to be there. The most crucial weeks in lung developement. If there was no fluid, she would not practice breathing. Her lungs wouldn`t grow. My baby was being squished. If she stayed this way, she would be deformed at birth even if she did make it. However, no one would do anything to save her at his point. Or stop labor. It was my doctors orders.

I was told that they wouldn`t stop labor because if it started, it was natures way of stopping this pregnancy. It would start because I had an infection, or because my uterus was irritated to the point of labor starting. I had no fluid so there was no hope in stopping labor. They hadn`t given me the steroids even though I begged though my tears so "the fetus" wasn`t viable until then. Why couldn`t they give me antibiotics to prevent infection? Why couldn`t they give me the steroids just a few days early. Why couldn`t they stop labor until I was 24 weeks. These are answers no one would ever answer for me. I had read online too somewhere that they could infuse fluid into the uterus. The baby could practice breathing with that, and she would not be deformed and squished. I asked 3 different doctors about this, they said no and that it would irritate me into going into labor. Fetus wasn`t viable then.

I saw another doctor that week too. They were all really taking turns stopping in to see how I was,and how much blood I was losing. At this point I realized that my blood pressure at 85/45-95/55 was not normal. My hemoglobin at 95 was way too low. My fluid was non existant, and really they were concerned for my life if this kept up at this rate. More iron I was forced to take!!! 3 times a day now at the max dose. Prenatals, collace, morphine pills, gravol and now zantac...plus tylenol as well. also ativan to help me sleep at night, although it only ever helped put me to sleeo. I was a bedridden pharmacy. I really started to realise how bad things were getting and fast. I just kept on ignoring what everyone was saying and refusing to believe that it was as bad as it was. Even though my pain attacks...

I was really able to pretend I was hearing wrong, or that they were just trying to prepare me for the worst "just in case" until the one doctor came in. She flat out told me I should really have been told that I should terminate. at 23 weeks....one week away from viability. They all thought I should. They knew if the "fetus" was born at 24 weeks, I would make them fight for her life. They tried to tell me how severly disabled she would be, how she would suffer for ever. She sat there for 20 minutes, the longest any doctor had sat with me at this point, trying to guilt me into killing my child. All I could say through my tears was "you will feel like a mean woman for telling me when my baby is fine and you wanted her dead" She left my room looking at me like she thought I deserved what I was getting for that comment. What a cold and heartless woman. I hope I never see the things that made her that way.


Oh I forgot mothers day. Mothers day was one of the first weekend I was here. My parents were watching my daughter. As I said, the father is not involved. In fact, I begged and begged him to come home and look after her while this was going on. I cried all night as he said no. I blamed him for all of this as that night I begged, was the night I ended up in the hospital to stay, and I didnt hear from him for weeks. I blamed him for a long time. I needed someone to blame.

But yes, back to mothers day. My parents were taking care of my daughter now. They wouldn`t drive her up to see me. Told me I was being selfish and that I had seen her on thursday. A two hour drive for a toddler to see me for a few hours was awful of me, just for her to be turned back around and driven home. I had a friend pick her up and take her here. The whole time my parents calling my cellphone telling me what an awful mother I was for this. I got to see her though. I don`t regret it. But let me tell you, after that hours visit...I cried for 4 hours.

Now I realize at this point my story is all over the place. Think though of how all over the place I was. I don`t actually have the ability to concentrate all that well right now. My hemoglobin is up to 82 today, after recieving a blood transfusion last night. Remember that yours is probably 120 or more. The blood carries the oxygen to your brain, and organs. To sum it up, I`m dumb now. Dumber than ever. Can`t remember names, can barely see, barely get out of bed...I couldn`t do math if you paid me.

I remember doing this though. I was so terrified that I would go into labor due to infection that I begged them to put me on antibiotics for my tooth that I knew needed to be pulled. However, they responded to sending me to the dentist where they pulled 4 teeth. A widsom tooth, the tooth next to it, and two other molars. So 3 were in completly different areas. I agreed to this because I knew antibiotics would be given when I got them pulled. So wide awake, and just numbed...out my teeth came, Out I walked shaking from the adrenalin....everyone else who had their wisdom teeth completely out of it. Me, they didn`t even give me tylenol for pain. Ice pack only. I got back to my room where my antibiotics were waiting for me. The things someone will do to save their unborn child right? Now I am pretty sure this happened at 24 weeks now that I am thinking about it...but I could be wrong. Sorry I`m so dumb. I swear when I am caught up, it will be in order.

Anyways, lets finish week 23. I get another bad pain attack. However the drugs do not stop the contracting and I am losing the most blood yet at this point. I am 24 weeks the next day..I beg beg beg for the steroids to mature her lungs. No they tell me. I learn even now that the next day they wouldn`t try and save her until 12 hours after her second dose of steroids. I turn weeks on a saturday, so on sunday night, they would fight for her life. I was so sure that this moment though was the time. I cried, I begged, hours and hours of this. I posted freaking out on TWW in my sept mommies group! They tried to calm me down, they like a sister would, got angry with me. They prayed for me...they supported me, they literally got me through that night and I could never ever show my gratitude enough for this night and many many others. I don`t believe for a second that I would have gotten this far without their prayers coming in all over the world. I will write a page to them though shortly once I get caught up to where I am now. Either way, I got through that night and at 9 that next morning, I got my first shot of steroids. I was able to sleep for the first time that day. I slept well.

24 weeks. A whole new way of life for me. A life with hope and the baby everyone was calling a miracle. Could I really be carrying a miracle baby inside of me who broke all of the rules?

From the beginning. My story of PPROM and Placental Abrutpion

Okay this is going to be long, poorly written and you`ll probably want to stop reading right here. I can`t promise you any miracle outcome, but I can promise you that this is my story and it will be told how I see it, I remember it probably won`t make sense to you at times. Whether you like this story or not, I don`t care. I just want to remember it someday.

I`m 24 years old. I have 1 daughter. Her pregnancy was text book. She was 8lbs 13.5 ounces, 22 inches long. Born the day after her due date. In labor for 4, almost 5 days. Dilated a cm every day. Contractions 7 min apart one day, 6 the next, 5, then 4 and 3 when they broke my water. I was 5 cm dilated then. Awful labor. My doctor wasn`t even in the room when she was born. In fact, 20 -30 minutes after the birth of my daughter was the first time anyone had realized that I hadn`t delivered the placenta. He said push, I said no, he yanked it out. I bled for 15 weeks pp. Heavily for 12 I believe. No one checked to see if anything was wrong because she was breastfeeding better than you could ever hope. Passed her birthweight before she left the hospital 36 hours later. Amazing little girl! Now that is what you need to know about the first pregnancy and my backround. So on to pregnancy number 2

Lets start from the moment I new I conceived.

"WTH did you do that for? BAH now I`m pregnant"

Seriously, I knew from that moment. I`m not quite certain that this is exactly how it went, but I do remember from that moment knowing.

Now just because I wasn`t planning on this baby, does not by any means mean that I do not love it or want it now just as much as any mother who has tried and tried to have a baby. This is my little baby, my daughters sibling, my mothers grandchild, my sisters niece or nephew, half of my heart. The father and I are not together. I was raising our daughter on our own when this started to happen.

Anyways, I called my good friend G and asked her how long it takes for a test to come up positive because I knew I was pregnant. Everyday after this, I peed on a stick, maybe even two, until the positive I knew was coming...came. It came 6-10 days after the deed was done. Now like every woman I imagine, just finding out they are pregnant, I immediatly went and bought more tests to pee on. I swear I spent as much after the first positive as I did before. Each test, while faint as heck, still positive. I spent hours upon hours looking online trying to find out exactly what evaporation lines looked like...how faint is too faint. I came across this website called two week wait! Oh my, the ladies were amazing there. Little did I know how important they would become to my sanity and me later on.

Anyways, so I decide the best way to tell the father was to go into the washroom and pee on the stick while he was in the shower. A minute later, yep, positive enough even he can understand.

"Hey D"

"Yes?"

"I have something for you"...passes him the test

"This means pregnant?"

"Sure does"

"Can we name it Dallas if it is a boy? "

"Sure...I picked that name last time and you hated it"

"No you didn`t"..................

Now I`ll stop here, because really...it turned into a stupid fight...

Move on to my doctors appointment 3 days after my very early positive. I do the blood test, it comes back positive. A week later, I get some bad cramping and they decide that they are going to draw betas and do an ultrasound. They see a sac, or two they say but nothing in them. Too early. One could be a subchorionic hemorrhage they said. I get the first round of betas back. High number for when I got pregnant. The second round, oh no, it didn`t double. Grim outlook. Doctors said no way with the way the levels were rising, would the baby make it. 10 days later, another ultrasound. Maybe two they say, still arent sure. I`m at 6 weeks 2 days and one sac has a little flickering in there. It`s a heart beat. No more betas no more ultrasounds...once they seen the heartbeat, pregnancy was viable. I was so scared! Thank god I had my friend C-bear there with me. She flew home that night. That is right, she flew home for my ultrasound so I didn`t have to do it alone

9 weeks comes along, I see the new ob I had been referred to. She said wow, you are measuring at 13 weeks. Next appointment at 13 weeks (yay first trimester under my belt, I can breath now), wow, you are measuring at 17 weeks. She said we should look for twins and set up an ultrasound for 3 weeks later. 3 weeks is a long time when you think there may be two in there, and everyone keeps saying looks like 3. Seriously, I looked more pregnant then, than I do now.

A few days before my ultrasound, I get a little blood. Old blood though. I mentioned to my doctor as my blood type is b- and the fathers is o+ and I knew I needed a shot oh the winrho oor rhogam whatever it is called. Got that, went home. She just said, sometimes you bleed in pregnancy. it`s very common

My ultrasound at 15 weeks comes. Whew one baby! They won`t tell me the sex, or give pictures, because they don`t do that in my town.

I have my doctors appointment a few days later. She said everything looked good. I trusted her. Boy do I feel dumb. Ask to see the reports ladies.

A week later..BOOM...middle of the night, I wake up and blood is soaking everything. Fresh red blood all over. I don`t want to wake the baby, so I make arrangements (its 3 am) and I drive myself to emerge. I had stopped bleeding by then. The doctor there did a quick ultrasound, said I will likely lose the baby and that there is soooo much blood in my uterus. That it is coming from behind the placenta. He sent me home. Seriously...

Morning after, I see my doctor. She responds with..bleeding is normal. I`m going to do a check. Hollllllly cow what a painful internal. She said I wasn`t dilated and I was fine. She said he meant that there was still blood flow in the uterus and she would be alarmed if he didn`t see anything. That I couldn`t have bled as much as I said that I did, and to go home and relax. Make an appointment in a week to see her and I would see her then unless I bled again

That night..boom more blood, next night more blood, night after boooooom more blood. I was really feeling like crap. But she said as long as I wasn`t bleeding at the time, no restrictions. I demanded at this point to be sent to a different hospital for a high risk ultrasound as she was not a high risk ob. She lost her cool on me, nearly made me cry, but made the appointment anyways.

I needless to say found a new OB. I also found out that my 15 week ultrasound showed my abruption and my old ob neglected to tell me. Didn`t tell me to take it easy or anything. I let my baby girl play on my stomach sometimes. I could have died from her neglect. Placental Abruptions need bedrest and are very serious! There are tonnes of reasons bed rest is needed.

I spend countless nights in emerge after this with massive bleeds. Baby not viable, so I was told baby wouldn`t make it each time. I remember everytime I heard the words not viable, part of me on the inside died a little.


Anyways I get my highrisk u/s at 18 weeks and find out that by a lot of blood in the uterus meant that there was more blood in my uterus than there was baby and fluid combined. So this is why I am measuring so far along. Again, I am told that this baby was not going to make it. I find out then it is a girl. They said that I had to quit smoking. Yes I smoked...and I quit. It was the only risk factor I had. I ate healthy, I did everything else right. I came home to my town, saw my doctor again and she had said that I was on bedrest at home. That I had a lot of blood I would likely pass, but it was probably old blood. If it wasn`t, come back in. And I did. Every single night. 19 weeks almost exactly, snow on the ground, I go to bed. I wake up in the middle of the night in the worst pain ever.

I woke up, I went to the washroom. My stomach felt so sick. I now recognize this feeling as meaning I am losing min of 1 cup of blood internally. I thought I was going to puke. Wow, my heart sure was pounding...I can hear it in my ears, I can feel it in every inch of my skin. It is going so fast. Wait! I can see my heartbeat! Wait, it`s just my eyes pulsating to the beat of my heart, I can`t see anything anymore...why is my head so hot now! Why can`t I breath? OMG my back, its ripping....what is happening...did someone hit me with an axe? am I dying? am I on the ground? I try to get up, I crawl down the hall, knock on the door and apparently said help. I remember being dragged down the stairs to a chair. I woke up saying call 911 call 911. My baby, my baby!!! I feel my eyes roll back in my head as I feel all of this pressure in my face along with heat. I come too and say, okay, I will be fine, just get me some water. I`m so dry. (little did I know it was because i lose so much fluids through blood and amniotic fluid that I was dehydrated instantly) I get a sip of ice cold water. It snaps me to for a second. I asked what happened. I look around, everyone has tears, blood is everywhere...I realize then that I am pregnant and we aren`t all just hanging out in the kitchen talking. I guess I looked dead to them. they thought I had died in their arms. I grab at my back and my stomach...oh my lord this hurts. I try to turn around and look at my back, I`m out of it again. surely I must have been hit in the back with an axe...they say they are going to drive me to the emergency room. I say I`m okay to walk just confused. I take a few steps while in the most pain ever. I get all of those feelings again that I had before when a heat wave takes over my body. I wake up in the car a few minutes later.

At this point I am screaming out the emergency room number. The people in the car with me are panicking and are rambling to the person there. I grab the phone, I tell them calmly. I am 19 weeks pregnant, I am bleeding all over the place. My blood type is b- and I am in worse pain than a natural birth...i start rambling something and I wake up and I am being carried towards a stretcher. I tell them no, I can`t lay flat....they throw me in a bed, and someone asks my parents to leave. they don`t remember if it was me or the nurses. I keep saying where is my doctor, where is my doctor..the baby. they keep telling me that the baby was dead, that they were worried about me. Now I have had the same contraction for 15 minutes at this point. I realize now, that this is nothing..but at the time, it was hell. The pain is starting to ease as I am getting jabbed with needles everywhere and multiple IV`s hooked up pumping fluids into me. I keep begging for a drink. I only now can remember the baby again or care about her enough , that is how bad this pain was, and how out of it blood loss can make you. I`m out of it and my eyes are rolling back into m,y head again, but I can bring them back. The demerol is barely taking the edge off the pain but enough that I can talk now. I still have the same contraction now. My doctor comes finally, all suited up to do the emergency cesarean now that I am stablized and hooked up to a million things. I hear them tell her the baby has to be dead and they don`t know how I am not with all of the blood I have lost. I try to pull my head up to see and boom, I pass out again. I wake up and my doctor is beside me. I`m seriously higher than I even knew was possible at this point. I look at her with tears in my eyes. She says, we are going to take you down to the er now. I barely wimper out the words and say, I want to see my baby. They say again, I am sorry my dear, but there is no way the baby could have survived this blood loss and we need to operate on you. I said there is no way I am approving this until I see my baby dead or alive on ultrasound. The do one only now! And there she is...heart beating away. My doctor looked at me, and told me that she was alive. She didn`t say anything else to anyone in there that I remember and walked out as far as I know. They cleaned up my legs and feet, put my clothes in a bag for the roomies to take home, and said I would be admitted for the night.

They should have taken her out of me...but their poor response time and neglect of procedure is the reason she stayed alive inside of me that night.

I stayed good and drugged up the next week. I stayed next to the delivery room listening to women give birth to their babies. Their babies first cries. I cried a lot wondering if I would ever hear that first cry again. I dont remember much other than that though. I do remember wondering every day while I looked down at my shrunken stomach if it would be the last day she would be inside of me..the last day she was alive...the last day my other daughter had a mother. Would I die if this happened again? Surely I would. I rememeber begging to die if it meant feeling no more pain that night at 19 weeks. I don`t think I could ever explain the pain to anyone for them to actually imagine how bad it is.

At 20 weeks I stopped being drugged every few hours and I started asking questions. I also got an ultrasound. Wow, I had barely any amniotic fluid. Must just be low they said. I got another one a week later, and even lower. At 22 weeks, the nurses run out of my room in a panic. I find out a few hours later that a term woman was giving birth, and her placenta separated. Her and baby nearly died. They were air lifted to the hospital where I receieved my ultrasound weeks earlier. It is the only place where they have the NICU here. A few hours later, my doctor said I had 40 minutes to pack my things and say my goodbyes. I was going to this hospital too. They were not taking any chances. 15 minutes later, I was strapped into the stretcher, bawling my eyes out saying no...just wait..I have to say goodbye to my daughter...please...they said 40 minutes...5 minutes later, she got there just as we were on our way out the door. I got to give her a kiss and my tears were soaking her poor blonde hair as I said my goodbye. So with snot and tears all over my face, I was put into the ambulance to a hospital that was over 2 hours away from everything and one I knew and loved. I was alone with my fears and in disbelief over how crazy this had all gotten

I get to the hospital, and I don`t know what really is going on. I was told I would see my new doctor the next day and he would access me. I got introduced to the first of many resident doctors who basically just asked me questions. He told me that they couldn`t answer questions right now, until my doctor saw me the next day. He told me I wasnt allowed to leave the room and that I was from this moment on, a non smoker. I smoked that day, and haven`t since.

The next day, I met the doctor. He was the same one who came and did my ultrasound for the end part when I had come up here the first time. I had no fluid. Bone dry in there. He asked me when my water broke. Said it certainly had, and they couldnt do any tests to confirm because all of the bleeding would cause every test to be positive as well. Said he didnt know how I hadn`t gone into labor yet. The baby wasn`t viable, he wouldn`t stop labor and that there really was no chance for baby. Baby was squished and had no fluid. I had days if that they suspected. I was only there because they wanted to watch me. If it happened again, they wanted me where I could be saved the fastest. They told me that I wouldn`t make it to the point where she was viable (that word again) and that they were just babysitting me. I told them they were wrong.
I could hear them outside my door...the doctors, the nurses..everyone. Yes it was such a sin about what was happening to me, but did I really need to hear about how it was a sin I still had hope when there was none? It`s a door, not a km between us. A 2 inch piece of door! After 1 week, I asked to finally have my room switched. I couldn`t stand hearing anymore about how sad my case was and how awful it was that I stilll thought that there was a chance.

I knew it would take a miracle to make it to 24 weeks when they would give me the steroid shots to help my baby and actually fight for her....but would I get my miracle. I was the only one who thought so. I guess that we`ll see.