Saturday, June 20, 2009

I had so much hope for the new hospital.

I`m going to start this off by saying that even as sad I was being transferred to the new hospital, the "better" one, that I thought it what was best for me and the baby growing inside of me. Hell I stayed in my home town hospital 3 weeks (since 19 weeks) and I was still okay. Yes I was having tonnes of pain, I was writhing in pain most nights at this point. I would start to go into shock because of the blood loss, and then I would snap out of it. My body was getting used to it. They had me on Iron supplements, my prenatals, collace, gravol to take when needed, and morphine by injection or pill when needed. I hated taking drugs, but lord knows I needed them to get through it. I would cry for hours when I would abrupt more. The nurses would stay with me long enough to make sure my blood pressure had settled and I got my drugs. The first week was the worst. I was alone when this would happen. I would lay in bed straightening out my legs, bending them, rolling from side to side. I remember a few times biting my lip so hard blood went down my face. Same with the nails in my hands. Sitting up, laying down, standing, walking, bending over, laying in the fetal position...anything to stop the pain as I bawled my eyes our for my baby. Wondering if she was gone inside of me. Shaking in fear on top of it all. I would grab my back, my stomach and wait for the drugs to kick in while I lay there alone. Hoping my contraction from the start of what I called my "pain attack", would end soon. The drugs would take over me about 20 minutes after the injection. Slowly, my muscles would relax, my contraction would ease, and the blood would stop being sqeezed out of me.

They wouldn`t even check on the baby at this point. She wasn`t viable. Again, yes, the fetus wasn`t viable. I would try and ask about her, and that is what I would get. My doctor would be in in the morning to see me. I could ask then any questions that I had however "the fetus" wasn`t viable. Are you sick of reading that? Imagine how I felt to hear it many times a day.

Now I`ll spare you the fact that I would many many times a day or night get up to use the washroom and have blood project from me. Not even gush...I`m talking with force. The blood would hit the water and splash even outside of the toilet. All over me, sometimes even on the floor. So when I say a big bleed, this is what I mean. I`m talking more than a cup of blood come out of me in seconds right before my eyes. Not at all what a pregnant woman wants to see.

I think the worst part of this was being alone. Anytime someone I cared about asked, I didn`t want to scare them. What would scaring them do to help. Plus, I always heard the same thing. I am sooo sorry. I could hear the pity and lack of hope in everyones voice. I could feel them thinking that they just wished it would end so I could move on with my life. Accept the loss and move on. Everyone was trying to prepare me for the worst. I didn`t want to hear it. So I started lying, saying that I was fine. I avoided their calls, emails, messages.....everything. I didn`t want to lie anymore. They were all hours away anyways.

When I get hospitalized as a single mom, you find out who your friends are. A simple, could you possibly take my daughter to the park when you take your kids message ignored a bunch of times, or just a hey, give me a call, I wanted to see how things are going. No one wanted to hear how awful my life was now either. They had their own life. I didn`t want to bring them down either.

People would message me on the computer or on facebook. The same thing. How are you? I didn`t want to explain 20 times a day the exact same story. I couldn`t give them answers to even simple questions. How is the baby? Do they think she has a chance? When will she be born? What are they saying? I couldn`t answer anything about the baby until I was 23 weeks, because everyone flat out refused to talk to me about it.

At 23 weeks, my doctor went away and had another doctor cover for me. This doctor flat out told me how things were. He was quite amazing actually. He explained everything to me, taught me alot. He told me what could happen, and what would likely happen. He was very realistic with me too about my hopes and expectations. He told me that there was no fluid around the baby. That this was the most important time for the fluid to be there. The most crucial weeks in lung developement. If there was no fluid, she would not practice breathing. Her lungs wouldn`t grow. My baby was being squished. If she stayed this way, she would be deformed at birth even if she did make it. However, no one would do anything to save her at his point. Or stop labor. It was my doctors orders.

I was told that they wouldn`t stop labor because if it started, it was natures way of stopping this pregnancy. It would start because I had an infection, or because my uterus was irritated to the point of labor starting. I had no fluid so there was no hope in stopping labor. They hadn`t given me the steroids even though I begged though my tears so "the fetus" wasn`t viable until then. Why couldn`t they give me antibiotics to prevent infection? Why couldn`t they give me the steroids just a few days early. Why couldn`t they stop labor until I was 24 weeks. These are answers no one would ever answer for me. I had read online too somewhere that they could infuse fluid into the uterus. The baby could practice breathing with that, and she would not be deformed and squished. I asked 3 different doctors about this, they said no and that it would irritate me into going into labor. Fetus wasn`t viable then.

I saw another doctor that week too. They were all really taking turns stopping in to see how I was,and how much blood I was losing. At this point I realized that my blood pressure at 85/45-95/55 was not normal. My hemoglobin at 95 was way too low. My fluid was non existant, and really they were concerned for my life if this kept up at this rate. More iron I was forced to take!!! 3 times a day now at the max dose. Prenatals, collace, morphine pills, gravol and now tylenol as well. also ativan to help me sleep at night, although it only ever helped put me to sleeo. I was a bedridden pharmacy. I really started to realise how bad things were getting and fast. I just kept on ignoring what everyone was saying and refusing to believe that it was as bad as it was. Even though my pain attacks...

I was really able to pretend I was hearing wrong, or that they were just trying to prepare me for the worst "just in case" until the one doctor came in. She flat out told me I should really have been told that I should terminate. at 23 week away from viability. They all thought I should. They knew if the "fetus" was born at 24 weeks, I would make them fight for her life. They tried to tell me how severly disabled she would be, how she would suffer for ever. She sat there for 20 minutes, the longest any doctor had sat with me at this point, trying to guilt me into killing my child. All I could say through my tears was "you will feel like a mean woman for telling me when my baby is fine and you wanted her dead" She left my room looking at me like she thought I deserved what I was getting for that comment. What a cold and heartless woman. I hope I never see the things that made her that way.

Oh I forgot mothers day. Mothers day was one of the first weekend I was here. My parents were watching my daughter. As I said, the father is not involved. In fact, I begged and begged him to come home and look after her while this was going on. I cried all night as he said no. I blamed him for all of this as that night I begged, was the night I ended up in the hospital to stay, and I didnt hear from him for weeks. I blamed him for a long time. I needed someone to blame.

But yes, back to mothers day. My parents were taking care of my daughter now. They wouldn`t drive her up to see me. Told me I was being selfish and that I had seen her on thursday. A two hour drive for a toddler to see me for a few hours was awful of me, just for her to be turned back around and driven home. I had a friend pick her up and take her here. The whole time my parents calling my cellphone telling me what an awful mother I was for this. I got to see her though. I don`t regret it. But let me tell you, after that hours visit...I cried for 4 hours.

Now I realize at this point my story is all over the place. Think though of how all over the place I was. I don`t actually have the ability to concentrate all that well right now. My hemoglobin is up to 82 today, after recieving a blood transfusion last night. Remember that yours is probably 120 or more. The blood carries the oxygen to your brain, and organs. To sum it up, I`m dumb now. Dumber than ever. Can`t remember names, can barely see, barely get out of bed...I couldn`t do math if you paid me.

I remember doing this though. I was so terrified that I would go into labor due to infection that I begged them to put me on antibiotics for my tooth that I knew needed to be pulled. However, they responded to sending me to the dentist where they pulled 4 teeth. A widsom tooth, the tooth next to it, and two other molars. So 3 were in completly different areas. I agreed to this because I knew antibiotics would be given when I got them pulled. So wide awake, and just numbed...out my teeth came, Out I walked shaking from the adrenalin....everyone else who had their wisdom teeth completely out of it. Me, they didn`t even give me tylenol for pain. Ice pack only. I got back to my room where my antibiotics were waiting for me. The things someone will do to save their unborn child right? Now I am pretty sure this happened at 24 weeks now that I am thinking about it...but I could be wrong. Sorry I`m so dumb. I swear when I am caught up, it will be in order.

Anyways, lets finish week 23. I get another bad pain attack. However the drugs do not stop the contracting and I am losing the most blood yet at this point. I am 24 weeks the next day..I beg beg beg for the steroids to mature her lungs. No they tell me. I learn even now that the next day they wouldn`t try and save her until 12 hours after her second dose of steroids. I turn weeks on a saturday, so on sunday night, they would fight for her life. I was so sure that this moment though was the time. I cried, I begged, hours and hours of this. I posted freaking out on TWW in my sept mommies group! They tried to calm me down, they like a sister would, got angry with me. They prayed for me...they supported me, they literally got me through that night and I could never ever show my gratitude enough for this night and many many others. I don`t believe for a second that I would have gotten this far without their prayers coming in all over the world. I will write a page to them though shortly once I get caught up to where I am now. Either way, I got through that night and at 9 that next morning, I got my first shot of steroids. I was able to sleep for the first time that day. I slept well.

24 weeks. A whole new way of life for me. A life with hope and the baby everyone was calling a miracle. Could I really be carrying a miracle baby inside of me who broke all of the rules?

From the beginning. My story of PPROM and Placental Abrutpion

Okay this is going to be long, poorly written and you`ll probably want to stop reading right here. I can`t promise you any miracle outcome, but I can promise you that this is my story and it will be told how I see it, I remember it probably won`t make sense to you at times. Whether you like this story or not, I don`t care. I just want to remember it someday.

I`m 24 years old. I have 1 daughter. Her pregnancy was text book. She was 8lbs 13.5 ounces, 22 inches long. Born the day after her due date. In labor for 4, almost 5 days. Dilated a cm every day. Contractions 7 min apart one day, 6 the next, 5, then 4 and 3 when they broke my water. I was 5 cm dilated then. Awful labor. My doctor wasn`t even in the room when she was born. In fact, 20 -30 minutes after the birth of my daughter was the first time anyone had realized that I hadn`t delivered the placenta. He said push, I said no, he yanked it out. I bled for 15 weeks pp. Heavily for 12 I believe. No one checked to see if anything was wrong because she was breastfeeding better than you could ever hope. Passed her birthweight before she left the hospital 36 hours later. Amazing little girl! Now that is what you need to know about the first pregnancy and my backround. So on to pregnancy number 2

Lets start from the moment I new I conceived.

"WTH did you do that for? BAH now I`m pregnant"

Seriously, I knew from that moment. I`m not quite certain that this is exactly how it went, but I do remember from that moment knowing.

Now just because I wasn`t planning on this baby, does not by any means mean that I do not love it or want it now just as much as any mother who has tried and tried to have a baby. This is my little baby, my daughters sibling, my mothers grandchild, my sisters niece or nephew, half of my heart. The father and I are not together. I was raising our daughter on our own when this started to happen.

Anyways, I called my good friend G and asked her how long it takes for a test to come up positive because I knew I was pregnant. Everyday after this, I peed on a stick, maybe even two, until the positive I knew was coming...came. It came 6-10 days after the deed was done. Now like every woman I imagine, just finding out they are pregnant, I immediatly went and bought more tests to pee on. I swear I spent as much after the first positive as I did before. Each test, while faint as heck, still positive. I spent hours upon hours looking online trying to find out exactly what evaporation lines looked faint is too faint. I came across this website called two week wait! Oh my, the ladies were amazing there. Little did I know how important they would become to my sanity and me later on.

Anyways, so I decide the best way to tell the father was to go into the washroom and pee on the stick while he was in the shower. A minute later, yep, positive enough even he can understand.

"Hey D"


"I have something for you"...passes him the test

"This means pregnant?"

"Sure does"

"Can we name it Dallas if it is a boy? "

"Sure...I picked that name last time and you hated it"

"No you didn`t"..................

Now I`ll stop here, because turned into a stupid fight...

Move on to my doctors appointment 3 days after my very early positive. I do the blood test, it comes back positive. A week later, I get some bad cramping and they decide that they are going to draw betas and do an ultrasound. They see a sac, or two they say but nothing in them. Too early. One could be a subchorionic hemorrhage they said. I get the first round of betas back. High number for when I got pregnant. The second round, oh no, it didn`t double. Grim outlook. Doctors said no way with the way the levels were rising, would the baby make it. 10 days later, another ultrasound. Maybe two they say, still arent sure. I`m at 6 weeks 2 days and one sac has a little flickering in there. It`s a heart beat. No more betas no more ultrasounds...once they seen the heartbeat, pregnancy was viable. I was so scared! Thank god I had my friend C-bear there with me. She flew home that night. That is right, she flew home for my ultrasound so I didn`t have to do it alone

9 weeks comes along, I see the new ob I had been referred to. She said wow, you are measuring at 13 weeks. Next appointment at 13 weeks (yay first trimester under my belt, I can breath now), wow, you are measuring at 17 weeks. She said we should look for twins and set up an ultrasound for 3 weeks later. 3 weeks is a long time when you think there may be two in there, and everyone keeps saying looks like 3. Seriously, I looked more pregnant then, than I do now.

A few days before my ultrasound, I get a little blood. Old blood though. I mentioned to my doctor as my blood type is b- and the fathers is o+ and I knew I needed a shot oh the winrho oor rhogam whatever it is called. Got that, went home. She just said, sometimes you bleed in pregnancy. it`s very common

My ultrasound at 15 weeks comes. Whew one baby! They won`t tell me the sex, or give pictures, because they don`t do that in my town.

I have my doctors appointment a few days later. She said everything looked good. I trusted her. Boy do I feel dumb. Ask to see the reports ladies.

A week later..BOOM...middle of the night, I wake up and blood is soaking everything. Fresh red blood all over. I don`t want to wake the baby, so I make arrangements (its 3 am) and I drive myself to emerge. I had stopped bleeding by then. The doctor there did a quick ultrasound, said I will likely lose the baby and that there is soooo much blood in my uterus. That it is coming from behind the placenta. He sent me home. Seriously...

Morning after, I see my doctor. She responds with..bleeding is normal. I`m going to do a check. Hollllllly cow what a painful internal. She said I wasn`t dilated and I was fine. She said he meant that there was still blood flow in the uterus and she would be alarmed if he didn`t see anything. That I couldn`t have bled as much as I said that I did, and to go home and relax. Make an appointment in a week to see her and I would see her then unless I bled again

That night..boom more blood, next night more blood, night after boooooom more blood. I was really feeling like crap. But she said as long as I wasn`t bleeding at the time, no restrictions. I demanded at this point to be sent to a different hospital for a high risk ultrasound as she was not a high risk ob. She lost her cool on me, nearly made me cry, but made the appointment anyways.

I needless to say found a new OB. I also found out that my 15 week ultrasound showed my abruption and my old ob neglected to tell me. Didn`t tell me to take it easy or anything. I let my baby girl play on my stomach sometimes. I could have died from her neglect. Placental Abruptions need bedrest and are very serious! There are tonnes of reasons bed rest is needed.

I spend countless nights in emerge after this with massive bleeds. Baby not viable, so I was told baby wouldn`t make it each time. I remember everytime I heard the words not viable, part of me on the inside died a little.

Anyways I get my highrisk u/s at 18 weeks and find out that by a lot of blood in the uterus meant that there was more blood in my uterus than there was baby and fluid combined. So this is why I am measuring so far along. Again, I am told that this baby was not going to make it. I find out then it is a girl. They said that I had to quit smoking. Yes I smoked...and I quit. It was the only risk factor I had. I ate healthy, I did everything else right. I came home to my town, saw my doctor again and she had said that I was on bedrest at home. That I had a lot of blood I would likely pass, but it was probably old blood. If it wasn`t, come back in. And I did. Every single night. 19 weeks almost exactly, snow on the ground, I go to bed. I wake up in the middle of the night in the worst pain ever.

I woke up, I went to the washroom. My stomach felt so sick. I now recognize this feeling as meaning I am losing min of 1 cup of blood internally. I thought I was going to puke. Wow, my heart sure was pounding...I can hear it in my ears, I can feel it in every inch of my skin. It is going so fast. Wait! I can see my heartbeat! Wait, it`s just my eyes pulsating to the beat of my heart, I can`t see anything anymore...why is my head so hot now! Why can`t I breath? OMG my back, its ripping....what is happening...did someone hit me with an axe? am I dying? am I on the ground? I try to get up, I crawl down the hall, knock on the door and apparently said help. I remember being dragged down the stairs to a chair. I woke up saying call 911 call 911. My baby, my baby!!! I feel my eyes roll back in my head as I feel all of this pressure in my face along with heat. I come too and say, okay, I will be fine, just get me some water. I`m so dry. (little did I know it was because i lose so much fluids through blood and amniotic fluid that I was dehydrated instantly) I get a sip of ice cold water. It snaps me to for a second. I asked what happened. I look around, everyone has tears, blood is everywhere...I realize then that I am pregnant and we aren`t all just hanging out in the kitchen talking. I guess I looked dead to them. they thought I had died in their arms. I grab at my back and my stomach...oh my lord this hurts. I try to turn around and look at my back, I`m out of it again. surely I must have been hit in the back with an axe...they say they are going to drive me to the emergency room. I say I`m okay to walk just confused. I take a few steps while in the most pain ever. I get all of those feelings again that I had before when a heat wave takes over my body. I wake up in the car a few minutes later.

At this point I am screaming out the emergency room number. The people in the car with me are panicking and are rambling to the person there. I grab the phone, I tell them calmly. I am 19 weeks pregnant, I am bleeding all over the place. My blood type is b- and I am in worse pain than a natural birth...i start rambling something and I wake up and I am being carried towards a stretcher. I tell them no, I can`t lay flat....they throw me in a bed, and someone asks my parents to leave. they don`t remember if it was me or the nurses. I keep saying where is my doctor, where is my doctor..the baby. they keep telling me that the baby was dead, that they were worried about me. Now I have had the same contraction for 15 minutes at this point. I realize now, that this is nothing..but at the time, it was hell. The pain is starting to ease as I am getting jabbed with needles everywhere and multiple IV`s hooked up pumping fluids into me. I keep begging for a drink. I only now can remember the baby again or care about her enough , that is how bad this pain was, and how out of it blood loss can make you. I`m out of it and my eyes are rolling back into m,y head again, but I can bring them back. The demerol is barely taking the edge off the pain but enough that I can talk now. I still have the same contraction now. My doctor comes finally, all suited up to do the emergency cesarean now that I am stablized and hooked up to a million things. I hear them tell her the baby has to be dead and they don`t know how I am not with all of the blood I have lost. I try to pull my head up to see and boom, I pass out again. I wake up and my doctor is beside me. I`m seriously higher than I even knew was possible at this point. I look at her with tears in my eyes. She says, we are going to take you down to the er now. I barely wimper out the words and say, I want to see my baby. They say again, I am sorry my dear, but there is no way the baby could have survived this blood loss and we need to operate on you. I said there is no way I am approving this until I see my baby dead or alive on ultrasound. The do one only now! And there she is...heart beating away. My doctor looked at me, and told me that she was alive. She didn`t say anything else to anyone in there that I remember and walked out as far as I know. They cleaned up my legs and feet, put my clothes in a bag for the roomies to take home, and said I would be admitted for the night.

They should have taken her out of me...but their poor response time and neglect of procedure is the reason she stayed alive inside of me that night.

I stayed good and drugged up the next week. I stayed next to the delivery room listening to women give birth to their babies. Their babies first cries. I cried a lot wondering if I would ever hear that first cry again. I dont remember much other than that though. I do remember wondering every day while I looked down at my shrunken stomach if it would be the last day she would be inside of me..the last day she was alive...the last day my other daughter had a mother. Would I die if this happened again? Surely I would. I rememeber begging to die if it meant feeling no more pain that night at 19 weeks. I don`t think I could ever explain the pain to anyone for them to actually imagine how bad it is.

At 20 weeks I stopped being drugged every few hours and I started asking questions. I also got an ultrasound. Wow, I had barely any amniotic fluid. Must just be low they said. I got another one a week later, and even lower. At 22 weeks, the nurses run out of my room in a panic. I find out a few hours later that a term woman was giving birth, and her placenta separated. Her and baby nearly died. They were air lifted to the hospital where I receieved my ultrasound weeks earlier. It is the only place where they have the NICU here. A few hours later, my doctor said I had 40 minutes to pack my things and say my goodbyes. I was going to this hospital too. They were not taking any chances. 15 minutes later, I was strapped into the stretcher, bawling my eyes out saying no...just wait..I have to say goodbye to my daughter...please...they said 40 minutes...5 minutes later, she got there just as we were on our way out the door. I got to give her a kiss and my tears were soaking her poor blonde hair as I said my goodbye. So with snot and tears all over my face, I was put into the ambulance to a hospital that was over 2 hours away from everything and one I knew and loved. I was alone with my fears and in disbelief over how crazy this had all gotten

I get to the hospital, and I don`t know what really is going on. I was told I would see my new doctor the next day and he would access me. I got introduced to the first of many resident doctors who basically just asked me questions. He told me that they couldn`t answer questions right now, until my doctor saw me the next day. He told me I wasnt allowed to leave the room and that I was from this moment on, a non smoker. I smoked that day, and haven`t since.

The next day, I met the doctor. He was the same one who came and did my ultrasound for the end part when I had come up here the first time. I had no fluid. Bone dry in there. He asked me when my water broke. Said it certainly had, and they couldnt do any tests to confirm because all of the bleeding would cause every test to be positive as well. Said he didnt know how I hadn`t gone into labor yet. The baby wasn`t viable, he wouldn`t stop labor and that there really was no chance for baby. Baby was squished and had no fluid. I had days if that they suspected. I was only there because they wanted to watch me. If it happened again, they wanted me where I could be saved the fastest. They told me that I wouldn`t make it to the point where she was viable (that word again) and that they were just babysitting me. I told them they were wrong.
I could hear them outside my door...the doctors, the nurses..everyone. Yes it was such a sin about what was happening to me, but did I really need to hear about how it was a sin I still had hope when there was none? It`s a door, not a km between us. A 2 inch piece of door! After 1 week, I asked to finally have my room switched. I couldn`t stand hearing anymore about how sad my case was and how awful it was that I stilll thought that there was a chance.

I knew it would take a miracle to make it to 24 weeks when they would give me the steroid shots to help my baby and actually fight for her....but would I get my miracle. I was the only one who thought so. I guess that we`ll see.