Sunday, June 21, 2009

Dear Non Pregnant Person! Stolen from JennyBean

Thanks for posting that Jenny. I got a good laugh out of it. Best one I have read yet.

Dear Non-Pregnant Person, I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women, as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me - then you should probably read this twice.

1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.

2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father - not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.

3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…

4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.

6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.

7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.

8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World





Stolen From JennyBean
Check her blog too
http://jennybeanlv.blogspot.com/

28 weeks 1 day..the doctor template.

So as I was speaking to my mother, the doctor came in. Not mine of course. He comes in on weekdays most days. So she asks me what was said. I said nothing. She like the smart ass momma I know and love says, so the doctor just walked in, looked around your room and left?
It was then I realized that I get the same every single day. The same sort of....it`s like they follow a template. It goes like this


Hello C, I`m doctor blah blah

Now I see here you have a chronic abruption. Have you had any bleeding?

Yes

Less, more or the same as usual?

The same

So like a period?

No much heavier

Much cramping?

Yes

Are you contracting any?

Yes

Okay, well we are just taking this day by day aren`t we?

Yes.

Okay well, have a good day

Thanks, you too.


Same old every day from those docs. I can`t ask them questions. They ask me about my case. Todays doc was nice and actually read up on me, but most don`t. It`s quite annoying actually.



Anyways, today I woke up feeling much better than I was yesterday. It`s raining out, its darker in my room and I was actually able to sleep in a little. My I.V, lock I want out. It is making my vein constantly itch. Plus my admission bracelet is on the same hand, so it slides down my arm, underneath the IV lock, and pulls it a little. I`m having a very non eventful day. It`s nice so far. Bleeding is normal, contractions are pretty painful today.




Now imagine how cranky you would be if you had to deal with those all of the time! I don`t know if I had mentioned yet that my cervix hasn`t been checked since I was 18 weeks pregnant. Before I had been admitted to stay in a hospital, and before my water broke. I`m really curious about it but they will not, even at my request, check my cervix. They say they don`t want to introduce infection and then my body would go into labor. However, they said they would have to check if I was in labor. However, with regular contractions on the paper infront of them, back pain, not being able to talk through them or walk through them, you would think perhaps they would check me. Nope. Sure won`t. Which is confusing because baby is butt down..right on my bladder...in behind my pubic bones...at 28 weeks. (which don`t get me started...hurts like hell) But yes, all of that means I have to have a cesarean if I go into labor. Deliverying a baby in this position is dangerous for her.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to turn her, let me know. I am all ears. Remember though, I can not leave the hospital, she is already down in my pelvis, she is bum down, feet by her head...and in low fluid. Like I am not even exagerating when I say low. When I stand, I actually cross my legs because she feels like she is going to fall out. She actually feels like she is about 2 inches inside my vagina and is a bowling ball. Does anyone else have to cross their legs when they stand? My doctor has made fun of me for it and has assured me she won`t just fall out...but I think he must be wrong. She certainly feels like she is going to just fall out of me.

Anyways, I am sure I will update more later as I am always bored here. Lets hope for a boring rainy day here.








So I decided to come back. I`m feeling a little jealous. I want a baby shower! I want to be out of this room so badly. My daughter got a puppy two days ago, and I didn't even get to meet this puppy. Yah, I can see them play on web cam, but its not the same.

I wish I could be out buying things for this baby like the rest of the pregnant mommas. Too bad you can`t work when you are in the hospital right? Plus I don`t even know for sure that I am coming out of this with a baby. I think sometimes that just because I made it past 24 weeks, that my baby will survive if born now. I really forget that at this point, 15% of the babies born, won`t make it. Someones baby has to be in that 15 % and I`m sure none of them thought they would be. I just find it so hard to believe that after all of this fighting she has been doing, that she would be in that 15. However, she could be. She is smaller than average, there isn`t room for her as much as others, her supply of life isn`t as good as the average child...really, she has a much better chance to be in that 15% of babies that die if born now..than not.


So to finish up this day.....I grade today...suck!

Well here...here is why

Heart decelerations suck
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Contractions Suck
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And most of all....


Contractions plus decelerations suck! 5 seconds before this, lower heart rate, higher number on contractions... luckily not by much at all...

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I am abrupting worse...I know I am....I`m getting a mild pain attack with some awful contractions. I had a bad feeling, so I had my nurse hook me up to the monitor. Thank god for having a good nurse. She said anytime through out the night I want to be hooked up, just ask. She was concerned about the contractions, I was concerned about the babies decelerations in heartbeat. She is happy with the baby part of the strip though , and I am not worried about the contraction part of the strip. We agreed we would leave it, but if I have any more pain at all worse than I have now, I`m to let her know. I have to say though, it is nice to have a nurse who is concerned when I say I am. Not much worries me these days. I am pretty desensitized...


Here is a pic from earlier too. Just to add to the sucking of my day.

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More of my posts from TWW

June 15th

I have been contracting since tuesday between 5 second breaks between em-10 minutes apart. Not sleeping, they hurt like hell, Im bleeding lots, I hurt, I`m cranky and I just want this to be over with. I`m sorry ladies, I mean it. If my doc were here, I would tell him enough is enough.

I have been contracting since tuesday june 9!!! TUESDAY! haven`t stopped. While it is normal for me to contract for a few hours at a time...this is brutal. They hurt so bad, they are close together, and I want to sleep through them but can`t. Can`t eat through em, talk through em, can barely breath through them. My uterus is just that irritable now.

Baby kicks, I bleed inside, I contract which makes baby kick, which makes me bleed......bah



Sorry...seriously, just someone put me out of my misery. Two transfusions in 6 days, babies heart beat keeps dropping, non stress tests twice a day...always in pain, can`t sleep...can`t function..i have 24 needle scabs on my arms right now...from the last week alone. My veins aren`t even working right. Seriously, when is enough enough?

I saw a resident doctor today. The convo went like this. Follows the template

Are you still bleeding?
Yes
Is it much?
Yes
The most you have had before?
It was last night
And now? Slowed down?
From last night? Yes
Are you still contracting?
Yes.
Are you in pain?
Yes
Okay then. Well try and relax, and have a good day.

It took much more time for you to read that then spoken

......

They supposedly are doing one soon. I started crying and he was like, I can understand that this is frustrating, and I was like, it`s because of the situation, its because of the lazy, bitchy neglectful nurses up here.

I feel a little bit better..and by killer chick do you say this because I`m ready to kill someone? (in response to someones comment) I passed 4 clots in the last 12 hours. One the size of my thumb, one the size and thickness of my palm, one the size of a softball and one the size and thickness of half an aero bar. The nurse responded with...relax ...

There are a few words that people will not allowed to say near me while I drink after this. Viable and relax. If they do say it, their life may no longer be viable because I will not be relaxing!!! BAH





*********I want to throw in here that the nurses neglect everyone to an extent. I was next to the nurses station for a while...the things I heard made me sick. I also can`t count the times that my cousin has walked by to come visit on her break from work, saw them sitting there laughing joking around in their lounge while I was waiting for someone to come because I wanted them to check on baby.


And can you believe I made it this far? I bet even you didn`t think I would.









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So there were 4 pockets of fluid...totaling 16 cm!!!! normal is 5-25 Check me out ladies! I`m an amniotic fluid creating machine!

It`s official, I need a blog. Where are some good free ones for dummies?


Oh she is doing a war cry!





So we all joke around about how I wear a different belly everyday. It`s determined by how much blood is pooled in my uterus, how much amniotic fluid there is...things like that. Well two days before this picture was taken, I didn`t look pregnant.
Today I put on my OMFG are you serious??????? belly.

Image

Nuts eh?




June 16th

Seriously, in the last 48 hours, I have probably passed around 20 huge clots. Easily. My doctor does not seem concerned, but I really really am. Why all of a sudden is all of my blood clotting? Even when they take out IV`s or draw blood....I don`t bleed after. I even have veins that the nurses swear the iv will be in that just don`t return blood.

No one seems concerned since I have been bleeding , but I really am concerned.



I want to add at this point, I keep asking to have my hemoglobin checked. Nope, not happening. Because you know, people want to have blood drawn all of the time for fun right? Obviously that is why I have been asking.





June 18th
Image

Her fluid was down. She failed. She didn`t do her breathing movements either. They give them 30 minutes....they gave her 45 and she didn`t do a one. Her fluid Monday rocked...3 huge pockets....today...one...barely measuring 3cm. Sad I guess my sac didn`t reseal.





Friday June 19th

She is around 2lbs7ounces. In the 30th percentile where as two weeks ago, the 75th

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I don`t know what any of this means just yet but I`ll put it up anyways
Max=-.31m/s
Min=-.11m/s
Pi=1.03
Ri=.65
TAMx=-.20m/s
HR=145bpm
S/D=2.85

30db 2+/+1/4/5
PW Depth = 57mm
PW Gate= 4.0mm
PW Gain =-8db


Placenta Abruption.
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So that is where the trouble is!!!





Another friday update
I guess it makes sense now why I didn`t have the energy to update you guys...

I don`t know if I have mentioned how I was nagging the nurses and docs to check my hemoglobin...welllllllllll they finally did..and now an hour later...voila...transfusion number 3. Those fuckers need to learn to listen to me. I know my body.

Anyways....the baby isn`t growing all that well. Two weeks ago she was on the 75th percentile for size....this week she is 30th. She has more fluid than wed...so seriously, the more water you drink if your fluid is low, the better. I kid you not.


She got an 8/8 on the test. I haven`t gotten to see my doctor to talk about the ultrasound. I doubt I will. A friend actually got sent over from emerge to here to get an ultrasound a few minutes after I had written the original post this afternoon...so I got to see her baby at 16 weeks. Wow what a difference it is when there is fluid.

On another note, I can now hook up my own non stress test, read it, tell you were everything is on an ultrasound , explain far too many ob things, and explain to someone all about their cervix. I can also explain brain, placental, and umbilical dopplers (just not how to decipher them) I even pick out which vein they use for my IV`s and have a great success rate. Since I have been doing this, I have gotten less pokes



On another note..I got the first unit of blood, got up to use the washroom and lost that much, and then shift change. So then, I get a crappy nurse, who won`t check my vitals even though I am pretty sure it is regulatory....(the other nurses said, and I doubt that they like to sit here and check everything like 20 times during a transfusion for fun) I mentioned it to her, she said it wasn`t needed. I said then why did they tell me it was the rule for transfusions...and she said in an angry voice that it is not needed and she would be back to check when she is done with her other patients and my transfusion was done.

It`s like..look bitch..I was fine the last blood, but this is a new persons blood going into my veins.





**********I really am turning into a mean mean person. When did this happen? I bet if I read back I could pin point the moment. But hold on, I get worse. I know...how is it possible right?



Saturday June 21

I hollered at my nurse today and told her I was going the fuck home. Then they send another nurse in to talk to me, who tells me she doesn`t believe that half of the nurses in here are that neglectful.

She blames the fact I want to go home on the fact that I miss my daughter..which of course makes me bawl my face off.... and they still wont unhook my IV so I can pack. I flat out told the nurse that I feel like I will die bleeding on the floor or that my baby will die inside of me with the neglect here, and she plays it off like its because I miss Caidence?

like no! I am not stupid enough to risk my health and the babies health and go back to my other crappy hospital because I miss someone. It`s because I honestly feel so neglected here that I feel like something bad will happen because no one came, or no one checked on me or the baby when I asked them too.


Later...


After dealing with jackasses all day trying to make sure that they weren`t one of the nurses who was being neglectful, one finally came down and was like, look if I have been neglectful I am very sorry. I wrote down on your chart as well that you are to be seen by someone who deals with complaints. If you have complaints about me, i for one apologize, and two hope that you wouldn`t feel scared to share that with i forget her name...She said she was so sorry I was dealing with this crap, and was great. Obv this was one of my good nurses. I felt so bad that she thought it was her. She was like, I could have come faster, I could have done this...that ...

Anyways, I`m going to write down every shift who is my nurse and how it went from now on.

And I am always very nice to them. I say please and thank you. I ask about their families IF they give me the time of day. I was that way in the beginning. I had a nurse today tell me to to be bitchier. She said that when I page them, if I am worried, march right to the bathroom and use the emergency button. She said everyone up here feels that their case is an emergency...so if I am sitting here saying, may I please see my nurse in a nice voice while I am bleeding all over, that I am going to be chosen second over the woman screaming in the room next to me who wants to know if she can get her 10 pm pill at 11 tonight when she goes to bed..because she is saying its important the nurse get down there

Makes sense. So I guess it really is my fault. I just know they are sometimes busy and that hollering at them isn't going to make them get down here faster. Also, they all have apologized. Said that since I bleed so often, and do all of these other things all the time, that they just assume each time we will be fine. They said they know better than that and if I ever want to hear the baby again, they will no longer refuse.


I just don`t understand why I have to cry, or be a bitch to get help. In fact to get anything in life, you have to be a bitch otherwise you are walked on. That is unfair.

On another note...I have decided that my approach to this is when I am done with the journal of nurses and dates and so forth, I am going to send a single note with the bad nurses saying only that they should be watched, and then send thank yous to all the other great nurses who I really couldn`t get by here without. And a nice present to my nurse J who seriously is the best nurse ever IMO.


I finished my day buy starting this blog. I`m not going to lie when I say I am almost as excited to be caught up (even in the crappy way I did, leaving so much out), as I am to have gotten through to the 3rd trimester!

An email I wrote and never sent because I didn`t know who to.

I am up on the 7th floor maternity. My concern is the nurses here and the care they provide. While I have a few great ones, the care I receive here disgusts me and everyone I tell about it. I have a chronic placental abruption. I bleed heavily much of the time. I have had nurses argue with me about how much blood I lost, I have had other nurses when I have told them I have lost over a cup of blood, not check on the baby, or my vitals and say okay have a good night. I know I bleed a lot of the time, but I am 26 weeks pregnant...every time I bleed could have a devastating affect, and they need to start treating it like that. I have paged the nurses and said I am bleeding a lot...only to wait an hour, have no one come, and my nurse say, oh it is shift change in a few minutes, I will tell your nurse.

I have paged asking to see my nurse stating, I can`t breath barely at all....an HOUR later, a whole hour, I paged again asking if I had been forgotten...no one had told my nurse.

I have nurses who treat me like a child and don`t tell me anything. They treat me like I am stupid. I know more than enough

I tonight, contracted back to back at least 14 contractions, which btw were caught on a strip while doing a non stress test. I mentioned it to the nurse, and responded with okay, is there anything I can get you. Mind you yes, they were minor contractions,...but I am 26 weeks pregnant with SROM at 19 weeks and my contractions should be taken seriously.

I have had a nurse tell me I didn`t need an ultrasound that my doctor ordered (since I am inpatient they dont` make appointments, they just bring us down) and I didn`t have one on wed as I was ordered to. Therefor I had to have one thursday. Then when they took me down for the one today (friday) one tech/nurse flat out refused and was going to send me back until I demand it be done. Even after I was like, my doctor said I needed on.

Another night, I was in severe pain, worse than labor. I was abrupting worse. For 3 minutes, I couldn`t see, just pitch black, could only hear loud ringing in my ears and feel my heart beat through everywhere in my body super fast, my head boiling hot, could barely breath, couldn`t stand, feeling like I was going to throw up. I paged my nurse instantly...took her 10 minutes to come down mind you. I`m in worse pain than labor. Let me tell you, when your placenta tears away from the uterine wall, it feels exactly like some of your organs inside are being torn apart...like an axe in your back. I get a contraction that lasts until the morphine (which I only take at this time). She looks next to me, and sees pop. Told me it was gas pain, and walked away. I had to fight with her, for an hour,to get the morphine. She kept trying to convince me to instead take regular strength tylenol. I was bleeding like mad, and she wouldn`t even take my vitals. I asked to see a doctor, she said no. I was there bawling my face off, rolling around in my bed grabbing at my back and stomach because they felt like they were being ripped open and had an axe in it. I wish i had written this things down with times and places, or even knew which nurse it was, but my hemoglobin is contstantly low (mid 80s) along with my blood pressure (80/40 low) and I never had this nurse before then..so I dont remember much.

I have had nurses write down that they had flushed my iv, or given me my pills, when they haven`t. I have had some of my only usable veins blown because my IV hadn`t been flushed in 20 hours. I have had IV`s last 6 days and not gone bad as long as they were flushed.

Doctors constantly openly contradict each other here having so many residents.

I have been here since 22 weeks pregnant, no one gave me a chance. I could hear them speak outside my door saying it was a sin I had so much hope. I`m 27 weeks tomorrow actually, and I only now have been offered a tour of the NICU. No one has given me any statistics, offerred me pamplets or really even taken the time to answer my questions other then a very few people. Thank god my doctor is one of them.

I have had family here who when I paged my nurse because I was losing lots of blood, walked up to see my nurse sitting there telling jokes at the desk 10 minutes later.

I have woken up in the middle of the night before to go pee, and my iv had run dry and the fluid was just in the little part where it drops before going down the tubing and the bottom tubing.

I constantly hours later have to remind the nurses about my pills too. The majority of them act like they hate you every time you page them. They argue with you when you state something you know. Like blood forcefully gushed out of me for 5 seconds...they say, no it didn`t. I'm unaware of them being there during the incidents.

I was down in labor and delivery for the day. They barely would let me come back up here. They told me, if I was even worried in the least due to bleeding, to go back down. I bled so much in the next day, that I had to be transfused. However, when I asked my nurse to go back down, mockingly, she said, what? you think they will just stop the bleeding. Go relax and try and sleep.

I can`t count the amount of times that I have cried because of the care here. The amount of texts I had sent to my family asking if I should just leave this hospital.Even the messages I have left for my family doctors and the ob I had at home begging to be transferred home. However, they don`t have the blood they have here, or the care for the baby as mine has a good chance oh having to be born within 10 minutes if I completely abrupted. The only reason I stay is because of the NICU.

Now I`m not going to name names because really, it won`t do anything except get me treated worse. That is the type of people that work here. Lots of them are lazy, bitter, don`t listen to the doctors, think they know best, mean to the patients, don`t listen to the patients and treat you like you don`t know what is going on with your own body. In fact, a lot of the nurses won`t even tell my doctor things, like passing plum sized clots through my cervix when I am pregnant. They won`t call a doctor when I ask unless they see fit. If I weren`t an inpatient here, I would be able to go to labor and delivery and be treated or seen by a doctor when I am gushing blood. My vitals would be checked when I say I can`t breath. The baby would be checked on when these things happened. Especially since I am only 26 weeks pregnant. I would see a doctor and have the baby monitored when I am contracting as she is known to have heart beat decelerations down to 70 for minutes during contractions due to low fluid causing likely cord compression.

Stolen from TWW of my posts since I don`t remember much

So this is where things started getting real foggy for me. My blood really stopped being at a safe level...so I started getting transfused. However, I always updated the ladies on the TWW board. I`m just going to steal my posts off of there to put in here.

May 29

I am so fed up, I actually going to call my old o.b. and ask to go back there.

I am so sick of the doctors here. I never see mine long enough to ask questions...I get to see a resident doctor everyday, who knows nothing about me or my case. I get new nurses, who depending on which one it is, doesn`t do anything or when i call, they leave me here. I get promised one thing by one, and then the next day, no one does or knows anything about it. None of them agree with anything, I don`t get any of my questions answered, and I`m sick of answering questions to explain to the doctors what is going on!!! When I get my next ultrasound, I hope to god the baby has turned. I actually really think she may have. If she has, then I can do a vaginal birth, and I WILL be going back to my home town hospital. It`s a joke to be away from my family for this. I`m alone, and I`m scared, I don`t know anything and really, when I tell them I am contracting, they don`t do anything anyways! 6 hours I have been contracting...6! they havent even asked me how far apart, they just say, okay, we will watch it, and then leave! (they aren`t regular but they don`t know that because they didn`t ask) At least at my hospital, my doctor has time to answer my questions. And I see one doctor, not a new one everyday.

Who would be the person I talk to about this here since I can never see my doctor.




Also May 29th.


my fluid level...is ......JUST BELOW 5CM!!!!!!!! I am beyond ecstatic. Also, at the ultrasound, I asked her to check the lungs. She said in another 2 weeks we could tell more because at that point, they start to do breathing motions...and we can`t see it at this point, and voila as she is saying this, Bracey is doing it. She was amazed

She called my doctor in because she was in disbelief. He couldn`t believe how well things are going. He said that he had no hope, and cases like these are the ones who prove science wrong. He said he has no clue how this baby, can be this fine with all of the things she has gone through. With all the blood I lost, and apparently not any damage at all for my water being broke for 5 weeks, and he said it is seeming like it healed. He said he doesn`t know how we could possibly handle it so well.

But then we started talking about my beefs with him. He tried to pass it off on being sad and missing my family. I really got quite angry with him. I told him that yes, while it is sad as hell, I am not stupid enough to put my childs life at risk because I was sad, I was doing it because as far as I could tell, he was not doing his job as well as he could be, and that a second rate hospital would address me and my babies needs better than he was. That I would have a say in our treatment, and my questions would be answered.

He tried to tell me I was upset again and to ask the other doctors, to which I said, yes I am upset, but I am questioning your care here. They are not my doctor, you are. While I realize that a baby being born at the second, is much more important than my hemoglobin question, when I have it written down for two weeks, I get upset. That I couldn`t say that I was being taken care of and that I demand that my questions be answered one way or another. I told him I didn`t care if at the end of the day, my nurse called and asked him over the phone, and relayed it to me. I`m not needy and don`t need him there every time to answer every question, however I do need questions answered .

I called my doctors down home earlier to get me transferred. They called him and told him that if I was complaining, then something was wrong and he better make the time. Made me feel better.

I was told by a nurse later good job, I made him feel bad and no one ever does. He told the nurse my questions are to go through to him, and if I want to see him, I get to see him.

Anyways, he is coming to answer my questions today. I will be beyond pissed if he doesnt. I am feeling better now.

He even said that he will let me go home at 34 weeks, and that he wouldn`t be overly surprised at this point with this amazing child, that I will make it there. He said science says I won`t, but baby says we will. Said this baby is just as healthy, if not healthier than other babies at this gestation with nothing wrong, and he doesnt know how


Finally a great update. I hate always having bad news given to me, and bad news to pass on as I know you are all worried and rooting for me! Seriously, I KNOW in my heart, it is your guys best wishes and thoughts not only getting me through this, but bracey too! I tell her all the time that she has tonnes of other aunties out there thinking about her everyday! She really is turning out to be a little miracle baby!

Sorry for the long update for those who aren`t following. I am just SOOO excited to finally have something good to tell you. It really is a lot of ups and downs, and I couldn`t get back up without you girls!

Almost to 25!



May 31

Guys, things are going great! I laughed when I said that. I don`t know when my opinion of great came to this, but I`m so excited to have made it to 25 weeks! 15 weeks left hopefully. I actually am hoping for 12 weeks left! Come on, we know the last 3 weeks suck so much anyways.

Anyways, here is my update.

As on now, I have an infected mouth! A bladder infection, and I`m still bleeding lots and contracting lots, BUT it is not as bad as before. I`m not leaking amniotic fluid anymore. I know I`m not! I can`t be. My blood is thick now, and I am passing so many clots now. (sorry I have become gross and having no censor button since in here) I`m hoping to get my fluid up even higher than min amount. I know he says its perfectly fine at this level, but I want her to turn and it would be much easier for her if I had like 10 cm. I`m going to keep putting the water to me. I know THEY say there is no hope, but really, it`s my hope and I have it so they can kiss my butt! My lil girl is as stubborn as I am, and gives me all the reason in the world to hope that ANYTHING is possible.

Does anyone know any links to sites or tricks to turn baby? I can`t manipulate my belly in any way what so ever because I`ll start contracting and its very dangerous for me.

Oh where is your uterus at guys? Mine is halfway between my belly button and my ribs. I can see it when I contract. They don`t measure my fundal height here because...well really what is the point. They see the baby every week so its rather pointless.



June 5th

So I just had my growth ultrasound...and get this! Baby is 2 lbs! And my doctor is astonished. Said he never saw membranes full out rupture like mine and repair itself so well. Said he can not believe this baby is thriving and that with the amount of fluid there is no way there is damage being done to her in anyway from low fluid!

Then more from the 5th

My hemoglobin has reached 69 while taking iron 3 times a day. I can not even tell you how shitty I feel. I hop finally I will feet better. I`ll uodate you guys later

Oh also, the babies heart rate dropped to 50 for a minute last night....nice eh? Didn`t even see a doctor! My doc was called and said 15 more minutes on the machine to monitor it, and if it didnt happen again, I get to go to bed .


All of this while my daughter and mother are here


I wrote the next day how my hemoglobin only rose to 79 because I was still bleeding so much.



June 8th

Because what else can you do but take pictures in a hospital. This is my morning.

I get up, after barely sleeping, and wanting to throw things at the woman who ignores the sign on my door that says sleeping do not disturb every morning to give me my oh so urgent ice water (which btw I don`t drink in my sleep so I wouldnt need it if she hadn`t woken me up) even though I have my own bottled water...which i remind her everyday.

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Then I got up, get dressed (after checking out here obv) and took a belly picture for this week as I am looking huge today and really find humor in the fact my belly literally is noticeably different day to day. 26w1d

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So I decide I`m finally going to go back to sleep. I switch the sign back on the door to sleeping, and like a hawk, a nurse swoops in and tells me I am getting strapped into the non stress test machine. I take out my cool dude belts...yes, I have my own at this point...and they tell me her heart beat is too low, and I am starving her so I need to eat to give her food. I debate strangling her with my straps and decide I had better not. after all, I am hungry...hence why I already ordered food. Perhaps I would be in a better mood after I ate


Thank god I ate. That was the best disgusting food ever! So I get hooked up to the ole machine. Normal heartbeat. That woman was right, food helped.

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Things are going great,..oh what is this she says? A cord? I LOVE cords she says. They are soo fun.
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She is active. Her heart rate also drops a bit when she moves. I like to think she is dancing in there. (black marks are where she is moving)
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Surprisingly, I still haven`t failed the test at this point. Almost, but her heart needs to drop for 20 + seconds. She goes back at 19....and then...

BOOM!
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I contract and she dropped below 50 this time. However the lowest on the monitor I could catch since I am taking pics with my cellphone and it takes forever to get it back to where i can snap a picture....

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And voila. Just like that...I fail. They put me on for another 5 minutes after that and she was fine. I get to do it again later.

So I have learned that the baby likes contracting about as much as I do. And I have been stupid contracting since.

Tomorrow better be better than today. It`s only 2:21 and I already hate my day. I have also come to the conclusion, that even when I dont lose a bunch of blood, it is at a min of 3-4 table spoons worth. I`m told not to worry about that. So I did the math. 3tbspn -45ml 4=60. Now lets say I have a good day and I lose blood only 10 times (easier for math) I lose 450-600 ml MINIMUM that day. Nice eh? I dont even want to think of a bad day. I think I am going to start writing this down because I don`t even think the doctors realize how much I am losing when I say oh just a little this time...3-4 tablespoons.

I`m cranky Crying or Very sad and I miss my girl...cheer me up!

Then my day gets worse.

Sooooo yah. I wrote earlier how I failed that test because babies hb dropped....well i had to do it again. for 7 minutes ladies babies hb was below 60. they had me on my hands and knees...hooked up to oxygen.....all the nurses were here....a few doctors..not doctor...



AND then. like that...she stopped and her heart rate went back to normal. So they waited 10 minutes, did an ultrasound, did the scoring test and she had a perfect score. Her fluid is almost normal...not even low normal...almost normal. I have a bunch of blood in there though...in my uterus...which i did not have on Thursday. I`m assuming it started pooling since last night because i haven`t been bleeding as much.

ANYWAYS..my doctor says afterward, oh wow, you were almost on your way down to be delivered...isn`t that something. Now they have to keep an ever closer eye on me. Now tell me that that is not horrifying. Nurses and doctors screaming orders at you to try and get your babies heart beating above 60bpm...There was times I didn`t hear a beat for seconds.


I have been hooked up to the monitor for an hour and a bit after...she seemed okay there...a few more dips...but I`m waiting on the doctor to see it and see if I should be transferred "down stairs" and monitored there.


I wish I weren`t alone Sad I`m scared now...really effin scared

Boom! I fail!

They sent me down to labor and delivery where I spent the entire day. They had me sign forms for when baby was born. They said to flip me on my side and if she didnt smarten up, then they would deliver. I wasn`t allowed to eat all day. They were very ready to take her out when her father showed up. For some reason her heart settled down and she has been pretty decent ever since. This is when the contracting started, so watch this date.

I know you would think that they would monitor me all the time after this...but no, they didnt. My uterus is irritable as heck now.




Reading back about these things, I`m glad that I don`t remember them all of the time. I wouldn`t be able to make it if I did.


June 10th

Do not read this if you get sick reading about blood. This is far far FAR too much info, and I am just pissed. So now you poor ladies get to hear about it.


When all of this is said and done, I am writing a shit load of complaints. My blood this morning was 73. I was transfused last time at 69. Now I easily just lost 2-3 cups of blood. I told my nurse this, and she was like, ok bleed in this now, and put the hat in the toilet. She was like, Oh it looks like it splashes. I was like yes, it does. Now I am talking a lot of blood loss. Like I had to flush the toilet twice the first time to make the water clear. Then I came back here ( I was down the hall in the family room) and needed to sleep because I was so weak. Then I woke up sick to my stomach, and lost a pile more. All like fire engine red. I stumble out of the washroom into my bed. I page her. She came down and was like, after I told her I easily lost that much blood...she said...well its hard for us to know how much you lost when it is in the toilet. it mixes with the water. Mind you, you can`t through the blood in the toilet. It`s all red, even splashed up to the seat.

I`m like, I know how much I lose because it pours out of me for about 20 seconds splashing me.


Then later that day.....

Literally 2 seconds ago, my doc came in. I assumed that the nurse had told him about the bleeding and that is why he was here. He asked how things were, I told him I feel like crap. He asked if I had bled any because i wasnt really yesterday. I was like yes, in fact today I have had the two largest gushes yet. He was like, when was this? I said within the hour. He looked shocked. He said, did they do your ultrasound today? I said no, he asked if I was monitored after the bleeds, I said no. She didn`t even check my blood pressure the second time. He said they may have to transfuse me, I said I know and that I feel worse than before I was transfused last time. He said well I could get your hemoglobin checked again this evening. I said well wasnt it low this morning...he then checks and (i already knew because I asked this morning) and was shocked it was 73 and no one told him.

I told him this was before the bleeding and I think it should be checked now. He said sure and he would have my nurse come down and do the monitoring. I know cbc`s usually take 12-24 hours to really tell how low your hemoglobin is, but jesus...why won`t anyone just take my word for it? Down stairs last night they were keeping me the last little bit because of such minor bleeding that I wouldn`t even acknowledge it. They were ready to transfuse me then.....

I hate it here. You never know if you will have good care, or be neglected. It all depends on the day


......
I dont know how my blood pressure is because she didnt check it. They haven`t checked on the baby yet..and the bitch nurse still is not here.

The bleeding is slowing now. I just bled into that stupid thing she told me two, and it was only just a bit over 2 ounces of blood so I`m content with that little amount,..however, i already lost more than that.

I would kick some ass if I had the energy...and when this is said and done, and Im back home..I`m talking to my doctor back there...or even when she is born and I don`t have to rely on these women up here for my care...

like picture this

Pregnant woman: Nurse, I lost a lot of blood.
Stupid Nurse: how much?
PW: more than I have been since I have been here.
SN: okay, try and rest up dear.

That was the first time at 330. I fell asleep within minutes. woke up feeling sick as hell....bled a crap load in the toilet ..and insert up above.



......So I paged her in...she stood at my door. She was like , yes cindy? I was like..can I get my iv hooked back up. I drank 4 bottles of water, and my nose, mouth and eyes are still dry. She flat out said no. Not I`ll ask your doctor, or wait and see. I have it heplocked. (still in my vein, not hooked up to anything...locked off)

Then she went into my bathroom where there was like very little blood and was like, oh still bleeding...i said not reaally. she said, oh did they do your blood yet? I just ordered it. I said yah they did. I said at least now the bleeding as slowed down. She was like yah I dont think so. I was like yes. this is nothing. She said well now we know how much you are losing..I said, I know how much i am losing. She said well no one can know when its in the toilet. I said I know, she said you can`t. I was like, it pours out of me. We literally argued for 2 minutes, and then she stopped...frustrated, said well now we know how much you are ACTUALLY losing and not what you say. Said thanks and walked out.

Seriously, when my next nurse comes on, I`m going to fucking ask who to email a complaint to.

Oh and she said about my dry mouth;..must be the air in here....its so dry in the hospital. I said, no i lost the blood and went dry instantly. She ignored me and said to herself,, yes the air is what makes sense. then said, get someone to bring you life savers. those candy i find helps me.

Seriously....weakness is the only thing stopping me from choking her. I called my poor mother bawling...something I haven`t done since I was like 18 and moved out on my own and was homesick. (funny reading this because I have done it a million times since)

I want to add, I didn`t end up finding someone to complain to. I always let it go. Venting on the board was the thing that kept me sane.

Ohhhh and I have a snotty nurse tonight too...nice. Can`t catch a break i swear. So i mentioned i was told to bleed in that thing...so I did...and then the new nurse argued with me whether or not i peed in it...which i didnt...then she demanded to know how she would know better than I...and I said...because i didnt pee

This time I`m leaving the bloody pee in the toilet and just the blood in the cup instead of flushing the bloody urine

Oh lost 300 more mls since typing last. nice eh. still haven't checked on her.



June 11th

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Dukes Up!!!! My little fighter!

I`m getting transfused in a few minutes, just wanted to show you ladies that! Also she scored good on the planning score . AFI is at 3 but still not low enough to mess her up I am told.


I`ll update more later



Later:


Whoa, what a crap show that was. 3 veins ballooned up..So I got 4 IVs today. My arms are swollen and bruised..and the lab screwed up this morning so my inner arms veins where they draw blood are bruised and sore too. They were going to call anesthesia up here to do it, but thankfully they got it to work for the last 15 min of the transfusion in a temp vein...i had to hold my hand in the most awkward position ever! I better not be needing an IV or transfusion in the next few days or I won`t have a single vein left.

But oh god I feel sooo much better. In fact, I have so much more energy than what I am used to, that I need to take ativan to sleep again tonight. Im curious what the hemoglobin is going to be tomorrow.

Can you believe that the resident was not going to transfuse a bleeding pregnant woman at 71 because it wasn't in the 60s? Thank god I have never seen this one before.

PS...I`m going to be one bitter bitch by the end of this hospital stay.


June 12

I remember stupidly thinking to myself at one point, wow, I`m jealous, those at risk moms get ultrasounds all the time. I would certainly trade all of these pictures to not be high risk.

Anyways, here are a few more. Taken today.
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Chubby cheeks here.
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Because us women have never seen a vagina before Razz
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Someones post about finding out after them telling her it was a girl, that it was a boy scared me. So I made them check...AGAIN.