Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The story of the end of my pregnancy, and the beginning of life


Friday, June 26th.
I wake up in the morning. Same old thing. Go to the washroom, pass a lot of blood, a bunch of clots. Grab a quick rice crispy square because I know the nurse is going to be in here any minute now to do the non stress test on me and I don`t want to fail due to lack of movement, so I was hoping the sugar would wake Bracey up. Walking around, tidying up my room, contracting as usual. No real clue how far apart they are. You know...the typical morning there for me. I page my nurse...she comes in. A new nurse. She says her name is Amber, it`s her first shift alone and I`m the 3rd woman she has seen. She was told to come put me on the monitor.

She was warned about the scary time before she says...so she`s hoping the baby will be good this time. Now why did she have to go and say a thing like that? She hooks me up...BOOM...fails. 3 minutes later, the heart beat goes up. By then I jokingly say, it`s because you tempted her to do it by telling her not to. She is good for another 5 minutes when she drops again. I tell her she should call another nurse. This dip was bad. She does call in the other nurse and the other nurse comes down. Says I have an ultrasound scheduled that morning so for amber to go check if she can get it sooner. The nurse asks me if I tried rolling on my side. Of course I did....I know the routine by now. She asked me if Amber had me on all fours, I said yes..she thinks for a second and says, "yes, we should probably get you down for the ultrasound. They`ll likely send you down to labor and delivery to monitor you for an hour or two after it" Like I didn`t already know this.

So I go down for the ultrasound. Baby doesn`t do the breathing movements...so she gets a 6/10...for the failed nst too. My doctor does the dopplers. they were really high as opposed to super low two days beforehand, and he says that they are normal. He said, no eating until they were done monitoring me down in L D for a few hours.

I go down there...crankily. Still contracting...hungry as heck...ONE rice crispy square. Hardly the breakfast of champions. So I get hooked up to the nst there. The difference here is they have a nurse stay with you constantly and they have other nurses watch on a computer out at the desk as well. They hook me up to the IV, and the first bag of fluids.

I text my sister as her and my father are in the city for a doctors appointment. I tell them I am in labor and delivery again for monitoring. They also are used to this I think, and we are all pretty relaxed about it. I wait for them to come and visit. I tell them I may still be in ld because they said two hours. Well, Bracey failed the nst again and again. There was no good side. My Dad and Sister arrive and the doctor is bringing me up to the ultrasound room for another one in 3d or 4d to check on the placenta again because I told them I was bleeding on the inside and I had torn more. I had to get morphine while my dad and sister were there. It sucked I remember thinking. It has been a while since it got bad like that. So my doctor, a bunch of nurses, ultrasound techs and my sister and I watch as my doctor does the u/s. He says its normal. The placenta doesn`t look to be torn any more than this morning (bs) however there is a lot more blood in there. Yes, because it tore more. He says that if the baby keeps dropping then we will deliver.

We go back downstairs to ld for another few more hours of monitoring. Dr shift change. I abrupt more. I need more morphine just an hour later. I tell my dad and sister they can leave, its going to be a crappy boring day in ld and the drugs make me want to sleep. They ask me if I am sure, I said yes..I`m fine. I lied a little, but really, at this point, I thought it was just a little bit different, but all in all the same ole story. After all, the doc said it was fine.

Bracey kept failing, so I asked the nurse to speak to the doctor. It`s a new doc....new plan. (this may annoy you now, and if it doesn`t it sure will later on) He said we are going to do nothing about it for now. We`ll worry about the bleeding which is his concern at this point even though it had slowed and mostly was internally concealed at this point. I asked when I could eat..I`m starving as its around 5 now. 10 hours since that stupid rice crispy square. He responds that when she doesn`t dip for 3 hours, I can eat and we can go upstairs. Bah!! I was so angry. So now not only was nothing being done, but I was being starved too and I`m contracting a lot now. Being strapped in always irritates my uterus...but noooo ...why would anyone listen to me right?

Things calm down for a few hours, but I start getting a this is not right feeling. I call my cousin Jacs to come and visit. She gets us a movie. Before she gets here, I abrupt even worse. I need more drugs, but there is no extra bleeding. I have the "holy shit, omfg belly" on at this point. Jaclyn gets here...I explain to her what is going on..and she can`t believe no one is listening to me. She is like, get the doctor and talk to her. Yah there is a new doc on.

Doc 3 of the day comes in with resident doc. 3 explains that it is too early for her to be born, and since I`m stable,...wtf and baby is stable, then there is nothing wrong and no reason to act. She says that res wants to talk to me and will be my doc for the night. I am like okay, well something is wrong...I know it is..so something needs to be done. You guys need to listen to me..I`m abrupting badly. She argues with me that I am not because I am not bleeding a lot. I explain to her that it is inside and that they should take my cbc and check my hemoglobin. She basically says no. Says they won`t act right now blah blah blah. Now I say, look. something is wrong, something needs to be done. You are not listening to me. Now she says in a different way, the exact same thing...So I say, LOOK something needs to be done, or we will die. She tells me again that they will not do anything because basically, there is nothing wrong..we are stable so they won`t act right now.

So at this point, I am annoyed as hell. Contracting, in pain, convinced tonight is the night..this is the time that I`m not going back up to the floor. She is like, look if we had a reason to believe it would be best to deliver, then we would, but there is no reason to believe anything has changed...so we aren`t going to do anything. I looked her in the eyes, said you are going to fucking kill us, get the fuck out of my room. I start bawling my eyes out. Then she stands there like an idiot and is like, I understand that this is frustrating and you are tired of all of this, but there is no reason to deliver this baby because of that.... I said, if you sit here and treat me like an idiot any longer, and tell me the same thing over and over in different words, all the while not even listening to my concerns, I`m going to lose it, now get out of my room

The nurse I have at this point scolds me. Seriously. Like I am a bad 4 year old. She then says to me...fine, lets go deliver right now your premature baby because you have a bad feeling. She`s not ready to come, but that will be on you okay? Is that what you want. Now, I abrupt worse again at this point, but enough to make my face go white, and the sheets to go red, and the contraction tp last 45 minutes. Yet through my pain, I say to her...well lets not deliver, and I`ll die here under your watch, and so will my baby and this will ALL be on you because you couldn`t take two seconds to consider that someone may know their body better than you know yours. I`m bawling now..my cousin can`t believe this shit...and the nurse goes to get the doctor again. I send my cousin home for the night because she is falling asleep.

I tell the doctor that one way or another, this is the night either we die, or she is born..either way, she will not be in my stomach by the next night. this is at 3 in the morning now. I tell her she can be a part of helping, or killing us. The nurse who I scolded the hell out of confirms that I have just gone through 7 pads, soaked 3 blankets or something insane like that and am still contracting. The doctor then sits down and talks to me. I`m bawling now. I apologize in hopes she is reasonable this time. I explain to her that if they send me back up to the 7th floor, I know we will die. I tell her that no matter what has happened, that I have never once told a doctor before that it was time...I never felt it was, even when I was told it was. that no matter what was said, I was always calm, and always right because it was my body and I knew. Just like I knew then that things have changed. She said she would talk to the other doctor and that she can pretty much guarantee at this point that I will not be going back up to the 7th floor. She just didnt know when anything would happen. She said she would be back and to call if anything else happens.

So I am sooo good and drugged up now on a sick combination of t3s, dilaudids and morphine. All which affect me so much more because I haven`t been allowed to eat, and its all injected too cept the t3s obv. The nurse and I are getting along now. its about 4 in the morning now. Bracey hasn`t had a dip like what she was in hours now, so we weren`t as much watching the strip. Now my contractions had been showing up for 3 weeks nearly now. We didn`t think anything of them. They have gotten stronger, regular, and downright painful tonnes of times...so as we are talking the night away..we didn`t pay much attention. I`m not feeling much of anything at this point. Everytime I have a contraction, we would stop talking, I would breath through it, and then we would continue on. I`m getting damn tired now. So at about 5, the doctor comes back and said she ordered blood work for 6. I try to stay awake, but the drugs have me passing out. I couldn`t wait. I remember waking up during them and sighing, or grunting, trying to breath through them and then falling back asleep. It wasn`t that overly hard at this point because as you all know, I had been in so much pain anyways for so long, this seemed minor. Neither of us had really been watching the monitor.

The lab comes in at 6 and draws my blood. The doctor comes in at 6:45 because she was sent the results. I don`t know what the results were anymore because she took one look at the strip and demanded to know why no one had called her. We then look at the strip....my contractions were 3-4 min apart lasting 1 1/2 - 2 minutes long, starting from a base of 10 going up to 95+ (machine only reads to 100) at its peak. She was like, okay, I know that no one has checked you before because of your fluid, but I am going to now. Everything is just going wrong for you tonight that we are going to deliver anyways. She tells me I should call anyone I want to be there and tell them to come. I said meh, I`m fine, I`ll do it alone and I ask when. She has her gloves on and then everything goes so fast. I can`t even remember how dilated that I was, but it was for sure go time. I was in hard labor and didn`t even know it. Next thing I know, I`m on the phone with my cousin jacs saying she has 5 minutes tops to get here and I am being prepped now. Now I am already on my 6th bag of fluid..but they pump 2 more into me..with not only an IV, but this thing that squeezes it. It`s a cuff thing.

My cousin gets there, I`m texting the dad to be a smart ass and I figure its a funny way to look back on to tell him. I write very fast, Congrats, in 5 minutes you will have another daughter. They take away my phone and everything, put it in a bag and off we go. they change my gown, and transfer me to the delivery room bed. They put another IV in me. They page the neonatal team down there stat. There are about 12 people, maybe more in the room right then.

They put 2 more bags of fluid into me (a liter each) and then flip me on my side. They put the epidural in and have my flip on my back very quickly. They ask me if I can feel this...they start poking me in my feet. yes I can i say. weird, they ask me if it hurts, I say yes and to stop doing it. They ask me to move my toes...I do...they poke me in the leg..I say fuck...I can still move my legs too. They wipe down my stomach, take my blood pressure, people are screaming things everywhere, running around..I`m just trying to look at my cousin in the eyes and breath. I feel pretty sick with nerves. They poke me in the leg..I feel it but it doesn`t hurt. They do it in my feet..I can feel it but no pain...I can`t move them. They do my catheter. It feels crappy...but no pain..just pressure. Go time.

I get cut open very fast. I feel everything but with no pain. They are pushing so hard all over my stomach..I can feel them digging around trying to get the baby. So much pressure it hurts. Well not pain, but...something... I`m trying not to throw up..and I get the hiccups. Nice. Thank god they are pulling her out and not cutting at this point..The hiccups are gone...they are really pushing on me trying to pull her out..I am imaging that she was quite deep in my pelvis at this point. They say we have her. the neonatal team runs over with all of this equiptment and the incubator, breathing equipment, cyran wrap looking stuff...just more stuff you could imagine. Everyone is rushing, talking, panicking...then she comes out and BOOM......

She is crying. Everyone stops. No one says a word. She is freakkkkkkkkkkking out. What a set of lungs on her. I look at my cousin..who works in the nicu...she is crying..I`m in shock,..I was told she wouldn`t cry....I was expecting the worst, as I was told to. For a good 30 seconds I think (it seemed like 5 minutes) no one said a thing..just stared at her. tears streaming down my face...I break the silence with the dumb question...is she...crying? Movement starts again..they put her in the warmer, and put the wrap on her because she isnt fat enough to warm herself.

They offer me a very quick look..I couldn`t see her...but my cousin had taken a few pics on her camera. She showed me on that. The doc stitches and staples me up. No one really says anything. They take her over to the nicu and are going to take me to recovery. I tell jacs to go with her. The nurses take me over to recover for an hour or so..I call my parents..who the father already called. I texted people who needed to be texted. I return d`s call...who is almost at the hospital. He wants to come see me, but he is not allowed in recovery..i tell him to go see bracey.

Now I beg to eat. They won`t effin let me. Seriously. They give me a sip of water. I handle this. They give me a pill...I handle this...I want out of recovery and I have to reach all of these points. I get to see the placenta..which btw was 1/2-3/4 of the way separated and the doctor didn`t know how we were alive and well at this point. I didn`t lose much blood from the surgery, but there was a disturbing amount in my uterus when they had opened me. So much more made sense she said. They should have listened to me. DUH! They do my hemoglobin and we don`t wait for my results. I want to see bracey. I get to see her for about 5 minutes when the doctor comes over. They want me back into labor and delivery for monitoring. to be honest I can`t even tell you why that happened. My hemoglobin was really low...71 or something like that...but they weren`t going to do anything about it.

They bring me up to the 5th floor because now they need to do more testing on Bracey and they want me to get settled. They want to massage my uterus and when they do...I start squirting blood and massive clots all over the place. They freak out and to sum the day up..I was transfused very quickly. I got tonnes more for pain meds, and all day pretty much, someone was pushing so hard on my stomach to try and push out all of the blood and clots. They give me two shots in my legs to make my uterus contract...5 effin suppositories...a crap load of oxytocin though IV and a bunch of other drugs. By the time I get to see Bracey, and pump, was nearly 12 hours later.

My sister had shown up at some point that day as I had called her. I didn`t want to be alone. Plus, I couldn`t move. My stomach was sooo sore from everyone pushing on me so barbarically. I now know why people swear by vaginal birth.

Anyways, my stomach is now bruised pretty bad.

Bracey was born at 7:56 am June 27, 2009. She weighed in at 2lbs 10 oz. She has been on room air since. She now has a feeding tube in her nose to her stomach and is already digesting my pumped milk. She has no infections as of yet. She is jaundiced so she is under the light getting her tan on. She has to be in the warmer and has an iv. She is monitored with


Oh, she also started taking the soother last night. Usually babies this gestation aren`t able to suck on it with out forgetting to breath or anything.,She can hiccup, suck on that and hold my hand all at once. Multi tasker my girl is.

She also got a cranial ultrasound to check for brain bleeds and such...and she is perfect. No one in the nicu can believe how well she is doing...docs included. They say it is the steroids ob and the fact she was stressed inside of me and had to thrive in there for so long. The fact I contracted for weeks helped her a lot they say.





ANYWAYS...I`m falling asleep here and have been for a long time as I have been typing. I hope you like my birth story. I`ll probably be discharged tomorrow or the next day, and I have no clue of what I`ll be doing or where I`ll be staying.

I`ll try and update you more on Bracey tomorrow. She is doing just amazing though. The pumping is going great. 24 hours later after the first pumping session my milk came in and now I have a way milk over supply. My goal is to pump and freeze enough milk for her for a year...and bf until she is 6 months .

Anyways. that is how this pregnancy ended. My miracle girl, my rule breaking pregnancy, and proof that no matter what, you should always listen to your gut, and make others listen to your gut too! Have faith in yourself and know that you are capable of so much more than you ever thought you would be, and that you are capable of anything when it comes to your children.