Wednesday, July 1, 2009

To those who think they understand what I am going through? You don`t.

Do you know that when i went into the hospital..there was still snow on the ground..when I came was 29 degrees Celsius? It really makes you think about all of the things that I missed out on. People think, oh you missed out on a lot of rain..or its just spring....that's not how I see it. I came home and saw her rubber boots I bought for her. I saw my rubber boots that last season would have been a very nice pair of bar boots or shoes. I don`t see it as I missed the rain..I see it as, I missed my daughter jumping proudly into them with her mommy. I missed us laughing together and holding hands as she slipped when she ran too fast on the wet grass. I missed looking at her first rainbow that I could actually point out and her actually see it. I missed telling her the different colors. I missed holding her for her first thunder and lightening storm that she would be awake to see. I missed playing in that miserable rain with her while she looked up in the sky to feel the water drops fall on her face and her blink her eyes...I missed that puzzled look on her face as she pondered for a few minutes where all of this water was coming from. I missed her picking her first flower...she should have given me that flower. That moment should have been mine. I should have been there to witness her smelling her first flower and saying MMMMMmmmmmmmm...Instead, I saw it at the hospital and got to hear my mother say, "oh she does that all of the time" I would have saved that first flower. I didn`t get one. I don`t have one, and I`ll never have another chance to get her first flower...or make a wish on those dried up dandelion poofy things as I teach her to blow on it. We didn`t get to go see any floods or watch the rivers and streams turn from ice to a violent predator attacking the river banks. We didn`t even get to go for walks while its wasnt too hot. We didn`t get to play outside on the step/baby proofed play step that I set up for her right before I left. I didn`t get to teach her all the new words she learned through out spring. She knows easily 200+ more words and knows how to put them together too. So yes, I missed Spring, but it`s so much more than rain to me.

When I went in, my daughter was still very much a baby, I came out and she is a child now...I missed that...I missed the time in her life where she changed into a little person. Does anyone know how that feels? If you do, my heart breaks for you because there really is no feeling compared to this kind of heart break.

I came home yesterday to get things done. I bawled because I was leaving Bracey. Even though I knew she was doing well so killed me. I didn`t want to go. I was scared it was the last time I would see her because with a prem her age, it is a very real possibility. She is still like any other prem..she still forgets that she needs to breath..she still needs to have a needle in her vein that goes right to her heart. She is still being fed through a tube in her nose to her tiny little stomach. She is still jaundiced and under a light. She is getting suppositories to make her poop. Her poor heels are swollen because they take blood a few times a day. She can`t see because she has her shades on all of the time. Her skin hurts her when touched, yet she wants to be cuddled by mommy and she sleeps so well then. Her arms and legs can`t straighten out fully because she didn`t have enough room because my body failed her.

Everyday when I sit here and cry because of everything that is going on, I know it is because my body failed me...failed my daughter...almost killed her, almost deformed her, and very well could have caused permanent mental damage to her. My body failed the people I love most in this world and because of me, Caidence and Bracey are suffering. Because my body failed all of us, our lives are all hell. my baby was born at 29 weeks and can`t keep herself warm. Yes, she as far as anyone knows, is doing great....for a preemie...but she is still that...a preemie. A 2 pound, now ounce preemie. My other daughter is now a motherless, and fatherless. My beautiful, brilliant and kind little girl who loves to dance, and sing songs about her mommy that she never gets to see...she is a sweet little girl who kisses the screen on the computer every night at 7:30 to say goodnight to "mimi". The little precious angel who won`t go outside in the sun without her hat because grampy wears a hat in the sun to protect his bald head. The little smarty pants who points to my nose and says "noooo" and to my mouth and says "mow" The one who humors me and can tell when I try to draw a duck or a sun, and sings songs that goes along with. The little diva who at a year and a half, carries around a purse, and owns more shoes than most grown women because she loves them. The little grown up who goes up the stairs and tucks herself in when we tell her its bedtime. The one who reminds her grandmother to feed her fish. The same little girl who loves to clean and put things away in their rightful place. She is the one to suffer because of all of this. She doesn`t understand that mommy had to leave her and never kiss her goodnight and tuck her in because she now has a sister in the hospital. She doesn`t understand that mommy was very sick and was losing soo much blood she needed to be transfused. All she knows is that mommy left her..that she can`t touch mommy because mommy is hurt..that mommy can`t pick her up to smother her in kisses anymore.

NOW...all she knows is that mommy came home. When she saw me this morning..that smile was sooo big that thinking about it now makes me sob... Seriously...talking about her and picturing this hopeful, happy smile breaks my heart..snot bubbles sobbing I am here. She kept hugging me all day. When I say bye bye to go upstairs where she can`t follow...she bawls and looks so heart broken. But now she realizes I`m coming back downstairs to see her. I can`t tell she is scared I am going to leave again...and she is starting to get comfortable and think I won`t....but I am guys!! I`m leaving as soon as I can..I`m choosing her sister over her. I know everyone is like "Cindy, you aren`t choosing, there isn`t a choice, you have to be there for bracey..caidence is fine" and this is true..but she doesn`t understand...she just will know that mommy is leaving her. And really guys, this is my choice. Bracey won`t remember me being there..hell she doesnt remember that she needs to breath sometimes. Caidence however is losing out on mommy reading her books, cuddling with her on her princess couch that Chelsie bought for her..or dancing to the 4 square theme song. She is losing out on me saluting "HUP" with her and singing to backyardigans. All of this..and it is my choice. A crappy choice to make..and it really is affecting her am I making the right one? I`ll never know.

Then don`t even get me started on bills. I can`t work during all of this. Hell mentally, I don`t even think I am stable enough to be able to work a job now. Physically, I couldn`t do anything other than a secretary position. So I have bills coming in...and no way to really take care of them. I am maxed out on my credit card of car loan and insurance come out monthly when I don`t even get to use the car....I have to get it inspected and licenced before the end of this month...Oh not to even mention that the bills that automatically come out of my account, comes out of the account that doesn`t even have money going in. My child tax benefit goes in one account, and the bills come out of a completely different banking I have to get someone to go to town take money out of one account and put it into the other. This same person who I am building up some massive debt to, and who is taking care of my daughter. (I love you momma), and her puppy.

Now I have to find a way to pay these extra car bills, plus my cellphone which I have been building up quite a nice bill too...and my credit card...and pay off my laptop before Oct or I have to pay 600 in full...Throw that in, and all the extra costs of having a baby who will be coming home hopefully some day. Like I need a crib mattress...a double stroller, clothes, bottles, bottle cleaner..diapers..wipes, soothers, age appropriate clothes..bedding for her crib...blankets for the floor..burp pads..receiving blankets...hooded towels..a baby bath..EVERYTHING that I could need, I do....why? Because I gave it all away after Caidence no longer needed it. Donated it all to kids first. I don`t even have a swing anymore because I sold it to another single momma for cheap knowing it makes you feel less like a failure when you buy your own stuff. I had to go out and buy a breast pump and bags and everything else. Thank god for Rhyanna who gave me her old car seat or I would be that is a start.

Do you know that I couldn`t even afford to get my iron pills that I needed. Since I am on the strongest dose of trifferix and 3 times a day..which is unheard of...(triferrix doesn`t hurt your stomach as much or cause as much constipation) and usually people take it once a day. well either way, I can`t afford now I get nothing. I will stay literally, deathly anemic because for some reason..the new blue cross coverage that I am under, doesn`t cover triferrix....they said I would have to pay 170+ for the 3 months it would take me to get relatively healthy. But bracey needs milk. Yes, I realize that moms make sacrifices like this everyday..but it just adds to it. How am I supposed to heal when my body is on the verge of crashing. I am so severely anemic that I can barely see straight or breath right more than half the time. Thank god that the health plan covered my dilaudids or I would be screwed. I am in so much pain it is disgusting. I know that all that pressing on my stomach for 8 hours was needed for me to stop hemorrhaging and save my life and what not..but fuck, I hurt sooo bad. oh to throw something wound is opening a little tiny bit...enough to make the scar worse obv, but not bad enough to have to be seen...just enough to add to an already awesome year.

Now...imagine going through all of this alone? Being a single mother is hard, but when the father is causing drama in your life even sucks. For example..out of no where..he starts denying that Bracey is his...He knows that she is..but he also knows that denying it makes me look bad, and him look good to his girlfriend and other people..and if it were true, it would give him an excuse to be the mean person he is. But he knows..even he will admit it just him and I that he knows. He disgusts me. His gf is down this week from bc and he barely comes and sees bracey in the hospital. I told him she could come too..but nope..he wouldn`t even see Caidence..nope because she is there. She told him before that he wasn`t allowed to talk to me...her or me. Now while I realize that it takes two to tango (as in he is a grown man, no one can make him do something he doesnt want), she doesn`t have to beg him to dance. But yes, now he is neglecting his daughters for her...and is trying to get out of paying child support now...of all when I need this money so I can go to the ronald macdonald house to be near our other daughter in the hospital. I need to get groceries. I need to get gas to get there. I need to have food here for her. We need that money...I need to be at the ronald macdonald house...I won`t even be able to afford it I`m thinking at 11 bucks a day. I`ll probably sleep in my car and try and shower in the hospital if they will let me. I`ll have to pump there too. But yes...drama with that. While I don`t need him , i don`t need his added drama either. I have enough to deal with...but I just wanted to prove that on top of all my major stress, I still have the normal annoying everyday issues that everyone else has too...and they still get to me. He also lives 10 minutes from the hospital. He has a two bedroom place and lives on his own. He could see Caidence every single day. He could bail on the child support would almost pay his would solve so many issues and it would be the best thing for his children and it would only be temporary...especially since he will be gone for the whole month of aug..and gone next week too...but no..he wont even talk about letting us stay there...I could sleep on his couch instead of in my car...What a selfish selfish man eh?

Oh on another topic, the other day I saw them shave Braceys head. Do you know how it feels to see your 3 days old 29 weeker, get their head shaved to have a needle pierce their skin? I hope you never do. I bawled my eyes out. I took pictures though of her first hair cut and I saved the hair. They didn`t even shave the whole thing...just the place that they wanted to put the IV in. I even have a picture of that (them trying to get the iv in) . The poor girl. On top of everything..they shaved the front part of her head..she looks like benjamin buttons now when he was born. :( But in all seriousness...watching your just over a foot long baby get 6 IVs...none of which all for nothing...and not being able to hold her and tell her everything will be okay...knowing all she knows is that this hurts her...and I couldn`t help her...that`s a crappy feeling. Knowing that this happens everyday..on top of them pricking her heels multiple times a day too...I went through this and people wondered how I dealt with it...called me strong and said they could never do it...well she is not even a week old...she doesn`t understand that its for her own good...that there is a cause.... How does someones heart not break for her? I know mine does...

All of this and people still ask me how I am doing, and act shocked when I respond with..crappy, or awful. Or when I am asked how the baby is..I don`t say she is doing great.I have to say she is doing better than could be expected. It sounds much better than, she got stabbed a lot today and got her head partly shaved. She also has sunglasses she isn`t allowed to take off,,and her mommy left her alone in this cold hospital all alone with no cuddles.

Throw in engorgement pain, not sleeping, constant worry and stress..missing my friends and family..constipation...muscles not working to the point you can`t braid your own hair anymore because your arms hurt...having to explain your story a million times a day to people who care about you and that's the only reason they ask...and trying to plan a day tomorrow that I would rather spend doing things with my daughter before I go back....swelling (I have elephant feet), crying and pumping every 3 hours for half an hour and then just not having a moment to rest. Oh throw in there the fact Caid is sick and teething..and has had the poops for a week because of the teething so her poor bum is burning..yep..

Well I should be going to bed. I have to get up soon to pump, and then to get on with my super busy day that will leave me with no time to spend with Caidence and then I`m off to hopefully a couch to sleep on...or something that isn`t my car in a strange city. Wish me luck

Sorry about the vent. But next time, before you start complaining to someone about how annoyed you are at your child right now...or complain as you consider which dress to buy for such and such day...or even before you respond "Oh I hear you" when someone responds to " how are you" with "could be better", consider that maybe when they say it could be better,...they cry at the thought of life being even better for one second.

So now I ask....Do you still think you understand what I am going through?

ETA. I just want to say that it is not all bad. The women on the message board I mention a lot on here (my guardian angels I think of them) have had me put together a registry. Now I don`t expect to get much off of it..the thought behind it was so touching..I bawled. I told my sister..she bawled..called my mom, she best friend in Toronto..she bawled. I don`t think people realize how many good people there are out there.

This is the private message I had received.

Your "stalkers" on TWW have a request.

Please go to and and register for what you will need with Bracey that you don't have already.

It will make our job much easier.

Much obliged Smile

- - Gabrielle

This was my response when I found out.

Okay ladies...I probably bawled my eyes out for a good hour, called my mom bawling, my sister, my best friend in Toronto, I speed wheeled downstairs and told Bracey, I even told Caidence on web cam...who by the way, thinks mommy is now a goofball because she doesn`t understand why I was crying and laughing and smiling and sobbing all at once.

You guys are beyond! You didn`t have to do this! I`m in shock! I didn`t expect this at all. I thought it was something scary about preemies or maybe sending a card. Oh my, I`m crying again.

Seriously, ladies. I should be buying you guys things. I have so much thanks in my heart for all of you. With out you guys and your prayers, I honestly don`t think my daughter would be here today. So many times I wanted to give up and sat on this computer bawling my eyes out, causing myself to contract worse on top of my normal ones, and you guys calmed me down. You guys gave me hope, which without you guys, I never would have found on my own. There certainly wasn`t any where I was. With out you guys, I wouldn`t have been able to get through every single day without anyone to talk to. I wouldn`t have been able to get through not seeing my daughter. All the stress, I couldn`t have handled it. It was like each of you took a piece of it, so I didn`t have to carry it all on my own. Each night, I went to sleep (or tried to Razz) and didn`t feel so alone, didn`t feel so scared, and didn`t feel so weak , helpless and hopeless....because of all of you.

With out our Two Week Wait family, we simply would not have made it. I don`t feel that it could be this way, it`s a fact. With out the slightest doubt in my mind, all of you are what got me through it all and stopped me from giving up when physically and emotionally, I was spent. I pushed myself beyond where I ever knew I could go, and I couldn`t have with out you guys cheering me on. Seriously, you guys never can possibly know how much you guys mean to me. I credit you guys for saving my daughter, my family and my life.

All of this already, and now you go and do THIS? Words can not even come close to expressing my feelings of gratitude right now.

You guys are right, I don`t have anything for Bracey. I got pregnant with her, weeks after Caids maternity leave was up. I didn`t get to go back to work before this happened. I didn`t anticipate this happening obviously, and even when it did..I didn`t have the money, or a way to buy anything for her yet. I can`t work while I`m in here obviously, no maternity leave for me, and really, I was too scared to get anything because I was scared that after all of this, all I would come home with was a broken heart. I didn`t want to come home and see things I had bought for my baby girl, and have no baby girl to come home with. Also, I don`t have anything from when Caidence was a baby except her crib and her stroller. I don`t even have her mattress. I donated it all to this family centre in town to give to families in need. They no longer accept donations or help people out anymore, so I was really screwed when it came to that.

I`m still crying. I will make the registry tonight, and seriously, I can not thank you guys enough. I guess it will really give me a good idea of what I need to get myself also for her.

I`m off to see Bracey. Sorry I haven`t been updating, but the internet downstairs cuts out all of the frigging time! I have been writing this in notepad and copied and pasted it until the net was working.

Thanks again.