Thursday, July 2, 2009

A very generous donation and more tears.

Someone gave us a whooping 75$ to help out. Can you believe it? I wish there was something I could say or do to return the same kindness to her. I know it wasn`t much, but I sent a picture of a very important moment to me with Bracey. One of the most important moments that I will ever have with her...the first moment I held her. Here is the email that I responded with. I don`t know how I can ever thank her, but I hope that she reads this and sends me her mailing address. I would like to send an email every month with pictures and an update on my girls. Is it too much of me to think that you would like this?

Anyways, to those of you reading, I`m sure that you are curious what the email I wrote back is the email.

Thank you so very much for your help. Do you have anything in mind for this money to be spent on? Seriously, I can not tell you how grateful that I am. Bracey is going to grow up knowing how loved she was by everyone and how many times she was thought of all over the world. My little girl really is the miracle we all had hoped would become and feared never would.

Here is a really bad picture of me and her....but it is the first time I held her...the first time I touched her...You can see if you look close that I`m crying. This picture was taken about 10 hours after she was born. It was a very unreal moment for me. The whole delivery was. The feeling of everything that had happened was coming to an end...I was so scared that I remember thinking that I didn`t care if I had to keep going through it..just don`t take her out of me..what if she didn`t make it..what if because of my body failing, that my little girl would die...what if all the hope I had, was just a word that explained the lies I had told myself up until then. I wanted so badly for them to just let me stay pregnant no matter what it meant for me..but at that point, I had no say. Then minutes later, all of my physical pain was over...I was numb...literally from the chest down..I could feel them pushing around inside of my stomach, I could hear them talking as if I wasn`t there. I couldn`t think of this moment as giving birth to my baby..I just remember trying not to think about it because I would start the tears just slid silently down my face as I stared blankly into that ceiling. I couldn`t grasp the fact that my little miracle child was either going to be born, or killed in the following seconds...All the drugs they gave me for pain, that and all of the blood loss...I was falling asleep too and then I snapped out of it to hear my daughter one said a word, no one spoke about it..and then after a moment of stillness, the world started moving again...too fast. In just 5 minutes, everything that I had lived through, everything came crashing down on me...I couldn`t feel anything as there was too much to feel all at once...and then she was gone..and I was in recovery and my nurse was talking to the student nurse about the weather...None of it seemed or felt real...could you imagine it all happening so fast for you? too fast to process...and then I hemorrhaged ..Then I didn`t see her all day...people were rushing to try and stop my bleeding, to transfuse me..pressing on my stomach...trying to stabilize me...and then it calmed down enough that my nurse agreed to let me go see her. None of it seemed real..and then they handed her to me...and then the tears came...tears of relief, love and happiness...there was nothing else in the one else.. Now I realize that this picture doesn`t mean as much to you as it does to me....and I can never truely tell the story like the picture does..or explain the feelings with words behind it, but I wanted to share it with you as it is one of the most important moments in my life. Up until this moment, I never truely believed that I could be happy and a mother to two beautiful little quite little.

Anyways, I`m rambling on. Please share my story with your children or anyone you know as a reminder that there still is kindness from strangers in this world, and that even the smallest words of kindness can change someones life...that the tiniest bit of generosity or kindness can provide everything that person needs at that exact moment, and that words of hope from a stranger can get someone through the hardest moments in their life.

I bawled even reading this back. I have been reading back on so many things on this blog lately..and I don`t know how I did it. I really wish there was something I can do to show how much all of this means to me. I know that an email, or a picture with a story isn`t worth money, but it is all that I have.

ALSO, 4 things have been bought on my registry! I`m so excited! I can`t get over the generosity of the world today. I know I didn`t put much on there, but really, I feel awkward asking for large things, or things I like but don`t overly need...

I was there any way that I can get things mailed to another place so I`m not giving out my address over the internet? Or have things held for me at the post office so that way people can mail things to us that they have for us?

Anyways, I should be off to bed. It may be a few days before I update again because I am travelling to the city where the NICU is located and I will be sleeping on my sweet cousins air mattress in her living room for a few days..then next week I have a place to stay on a very good friends couch! My cousin is even going to the NICU to cuddle with Bracey while I am gone. I am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I truely am so blessed with everything in my life right now! I know it seems hard to call me lucky, but you are just looking at it wrong. Don`t worry, I was too until I saw it again. You see me as being unlucky to have a baby born at 29 weeks, but you forget that I was told that my baby was dead...that I would never make it to 22 weeks, 23 weeks, then 24 weeks...I`m very lucky that I had her at 29 weeks and not 23w6d :P

I`m lucky to have an amazing family...I`m so blessed to have such support...and I`m lucky that people are being inspired by my story. I love knowing that some nights, there are children out there getting that extra kiss goodnight, or get told that they are loved one more time that day, or even get to break the rules and skip the beans and have that piece of cake...because of my story. I like knowing that I am a part of you guys realizing how much you have and how fast everything you know can be turned upside down so you should appreciate it. I love thinking that my story could be the reason you take two seconds off from cleaning and being an adult to jump in that puddle with your son..or the reason you truely don`t mind having those normal pregnancy aches and pains! It really makes me smile to think that someday I can tell Bracey that she is the reason someone was held a little closer, hugged a little harder and appreciated just a little more. I don`t know if any of this is true, but it really makes me feel better to think it, so none of you better tell me the difference.

On that can tell my visit at home with my daughter is going very nice. I can tell that my hemoglobin is still very low.,..and I`m severely swollen...I wasn`t when I was pregnant..but I`m still in a great mood. I even got my hair cut!

Anyways, I should go to sleep now. Have a good night..and thank you again for your generousity. As I said, I can`t thank you enough