Thursday, July 23, 2009

A hate life sort of day :( I miss it all!

I miss Bracey, I miss being pregnant. I feel robbed of the last 10 weeks. In fact the whole pregnancy. I feel like I was a 12 year old pregnant girl in the 50`s haha...sent away until delivery so it was like it never happened. I`m so dramatic eh? I know this sounds stupid, but I was alone half of my a stupid room all by myself, no one to talk to, no one to fawn over me or to feel the baby one to kiss my belly or talk to her. No one to give me the special treatment..bring me foods i craved or something off my menu.. Lord, I barely had someone who would bring me shampoo or soap Razz. I just never had most of that during a pregnancy, and now i never will. Hell, I would have killed for someone even to rub my swollen feet once. Someone to talk to face to face, or even on the phone about my fears, or names, or who bracey would have looked like or been like. Someone to ponder her future with. I feel robbed of all of that.

Heck, no one even visited us in the hospital really. I texted their father at 7 that they were doing a section in 10 minutes and bracey would be born...he went to the airport and picked up his new girlfriend. He called at 9 and then showed up and he has visited 4 times since and he lives in the city, and is on paternity leave. My sister, father came the day she was born..My mother and daughter came too to meet Bracey. So other than that, I was alone in the hospital then too. No balloons, no it`s a girl friends fawning over my newborn...just doctors running tests on her.

Bah, I`m sad...I`m going to blame the stupid rain this morning. I can`t wait to have my girl home. I think everything I have been through would be forgotten a lot easier if she were with me all of the time. I just want her to be in the safe zone. I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for her to breathe on her own again...Like tonight, I call and find out that her oxygen needs went up again. It`s so upsetting to think she is getting worse rather then better, and further away from coming home :(

I miss Caidence a lot. I cry when I leave here for most of the drive to the city, and then cry coming back because it breaks my heart to leave either kid for days.

I miss my friends, I can`t even remember the last time I sat down and had a normal conversation with any of them really. I got a few visitors from friends who lived in the city, but really only one came and visited from home other than family.

I miss money...what is it like again when you aren`t trying to figure out how little you can get away with paying on what, or to not have to borrow money?

I miss sanity, and decent luck. I just want a month when no one dies or almost dies

I miss relaxing. When I try and take an hour to relax at home, it feels like a forced sit there and do nothing because I have to sort of thing

I miss when Bracey wasn`t on oxygen, I hate that she is getting worse.

I miss my memory, didn`t I already say that one above?

I miss my hair even..which reminds me I forgot to get it fixed.

I miss even that damn hospital bed...lord it was comfy

I miss my pregnant belly, my ultrasounds, watching her kick, listening to her heart beat a bunch of times a day. I miss the ice chips from the 7th floor...the nicu kitchens ice isn `t the same.

I miss my hands being soft and not as dry as paper near a heat vent from all of the handwashing and hand sanitizer.

I miss not having to pump all of the fricken time.

I miss smoking even.

I miss venting to real people and not only the internet :P

I miss feeling like everything is going to be okay, because I don`t think it will.

I miss hope

I miss sleep, food and my dogs put down this year

I miss feeling in control

I miss feeling pretty with my pregnant belly. I know I get bigger than most of the other singleton pregnancies, but I loved was one of the only parts i truely loved.

I miss living out of a room and not a bag.

I miss havign muscles

I miss having a life that there wasn`t much to miss

I miss the thought of ever having another child.

I miss breastfeeding instead of pumping. This is like a never ending battle to get my milk supply up.

I miss being a full time mom most of all.

I miss it all. Everything. Is it so wrong of me to want it all back? I just want one night where everything is normal. I just want 24 hours to myself. I know its selfish but I do. No one else. I just want to sit there and cry for 24 hours straight..get it all out...shout scream curse just anything to make me feel okay again for 2 minutes. I don`t want to always have to be so strong and handle this all...Why do I have to? Everyone keeps saying, you are so strong, I don`t know how you do it...We`ll I`m sick of being strong, and I don`t want to do it...

Ug, I just wish I could cry for 5 minutes. That`s all I would need. But when you have all of this backed up in there, its like your bladder for an ultrasound. You get it so full that you are ready to burst. You want to pee, just a little, but you know if you were to try to pee, just a little...enough to make the pain managable, but enough to still do the ultrasound ...that you would burst and drown the world :P

Oh, and I miss my brain too. God low blood pressure and low hemoglobin make Cindy a dumb girl.

Here is my little miss

Her last two days...not including today


She is gaining weight pretty fast her picc line out today and her fats taken away a few days ago so she has been gaining from my milk...which calories are being added to but she is up to 3lbs 6 ounces now. near two ounces a night for the last few. On just my fortified milk. She hasn`t had an apnea or a brady since the 8th. She has been off caffiene since the 16th. She also isn`t desating in 31% oxygen in her incubator. When I go back we get to start the breast feeding. The rule is 34 weeks but they feel she may be able to early, and if she doesn`t then no harm in familiarizing her with the girls that will hopefully fatten her right up. Her only issues I could tell is she is Tachypnic and needs to be in the oxygen.

Something weird though, and I`m bringing this up when I get back there. See where it says issues? It says bpd. She doesn`t have that. I don`t know why they are writing that. They never checked her for it and if she had something that severe, then wouldn`t they have told me? shouldn`t they have? Also her renal ultrasound came back abnormal...but a common finding in preemies..never talked to me about that either.I`m pretty peeved that it says she has bpd and that I have never had a doctor sit down and talk to me about it or explain it to me...and i spend at least 15 hours a day there when I`m there....not hard to find me.




A video of her sucking her thumb. She got it herself too!

Her stretching

On another note. There is this one baby right across from me. Just got transferred over out of intensive care. This baby was born at 28w5 days. Mother suffered from chronic abruption too, not as severe as mine I was told (we shared stories, obv the nurses would never tell me about this) He is 11 weeks old and weighs the same as Bracey still. He was born smaller and her water broke at 25 weeks where mine broke at 19. They both are at the same developmentally and have the same issues, she just is better off. They are the same size now too. He weighed a lot less when he was born though less than 900 grams.. He really makes me feel lucky!


weight chart


okay stop! You win...just no more tubes in one nostril!


That is the best of the update you are getting.

On another note..I finally started getting around to doing something with all of those ultrasound pics I have.

Now I should get back to pumping dammit.